My life had become about getting things done. Everything else seemed in the way. I strived through endless amounts of college school work, extracurricular activities, and paid for all of it by building websites, and being a waiter. At the age of 24 I had changed from a poor high school kid to a high salaried programmer at amazon.com.
What bothered me most during this time was when I could be doing something productive, but was stuck doing something I considered a waste of time. Some examples were taking care of someones children, helping someone move, driving someone to the airport, or waiting with someone who was shopping. Simple day to day things everyone encounters. These were considered obstacles in the way.
Why couldn't I slow down, why was I so focused on being productive and successful. Why couldn't I just sit back and enjoy peace, meditation, silence, and so many beautiful things.
Our culture celebrates stories of rags to riches. Of having nothing and building a successful business. I can remember when I was a teenager reading Ayn Rand:
Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swamps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists.. it is real.. it is possible.. it's yours. (Ayn Rand)
Reading this as a teenager, I became inspired, I fed my brain success books: Think and Grow Rich, The Secrets of the Millionaire Mind, Rich Dad Poor Dad, and The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. I joined a network company called Market America, I was going to be successful no matter what.
What is the definition of success? According to dictionary.com:
The attainment of wealth, position, fame, or the like.
Everyone has their definition of success, but I was sold out on this one. In my twenties I considered this the natural goal for everyone to obtain. This is what parents want for their children, this is what our culture wants. Think of the start up scene in any major US city. Companies and CEOs that are successful become idolized by certain groups of people. Where does this thirst to imitate and be successful like them come from?
We are acutely aware that we don't consciously generate all of our thoughts. The body and mind are being manipulated by hormones, instincts, and subconscious processes at all times.
However for some people, like my early twenties self, I was unable to look "at my thoughts" only "from my thoughts". I wasn't able to ask why I did things. I just went on mindlessly doing them, and completely unaware that I could look at them.
I've had it described that this unawareness is like a fish swimming in water. It has no idea that there is a vast amount amount of water that it swims through, it just does it innately.
The thoughts we swim in come out of what we've stored up in inside of ourselves. The day to day information we feed ourselves is trickling in. Whatever we decide to take in is who we will become. That's why people recommend hanging out with people you want to be more like or making goals and reading them out loud several times a day.
That voice in the back of your head, the one that drives you, compares you to others, makes judgements about everything, and is dominated by thoughts of self. It automatically considers what is a success or a failure.
The ego unchecked over time expands, falsifying our idea of true self. The result is an unbalanced, disconnected, external self focused solely on safety and attachments with narcissistic concerns about appearance and position, yearning for admiration and superiority and bogging us down with negative and false fear-based thoughts of judgment, anger and resentment.
I first heard about the concept while watching the movie Revolver with Jason Statham. At the end of the movie in the extras is this great video below (slightly disagreeing about the ego inventing satan, but otherwise sounds good to me). Which highlights a bunch of psychologist talking about the ego. What Is interesting to me is that the ego seems almost identical to the definition of success I mentioned above.
The most feared event, for the brain trained for success and achievement, was to fall in line with everyone else and live just a normal life. To be like those people who work 9 to 5 everyday til they are 60, own a normal house, have a few children, and take some vacations.
Some of you may think this sounds fine - this article is not for you. But a few of us have trained ourselves to make these thoughts unacceptable. Some sort of brainwashing we did to ourselves in order to obtain our important goals in the past and today. So this is what I propose:
In school the goal might be to get a 4.0 GPA. To be perfect. But what if instead the aim was to get a 3.6 GPA after weighing out the pros and cons. Maybe the extra 0.4 is just simply not worth it. What if it takes 40 hours a week to obtain a 3.6, but 70 hours to obtain the 4.0. The 3.6 will get you a nice job but also free up 30 hours a week to spend on living life and being happy. 30 extra hours to go to the gym, invest in your family, learn how to play piano, watch a sunset, see a movie, enjoy a glass of wine and in general contribute to happiness, well being, and life balance.
Really the benefit of the 4.0 is to obtain the earlier definition of success: wealth, position, and fame. What do these things actually buy us:
We all need some stuff, and we all have to pay the bills, right? It’s just that when we put money and possessions first, we lose sight of our real priorities. We lose sight of life’s purpose.
We've all read articles on happiness and success where money makes a big difference but only up to a certain point. Here's an article I enjoyed. The truth is that our happiness and wellbeing are not tied to getting that next raise, but to our life's purpose and relationships.
If money was out of the question when getting a promotion, then what are some reasons we would accept? For some its because we enjoy leadership and serving others, but for others it can be about being above others.
Being above others fulfills some need ingrained in the brain to have people look up to you or to have power over others. But its an illusion. None of these things really matter if you aren't happy with your current job, if you are stressed out, and tired of being in meetings.
Not much needs to be said about fame. It may land you your next role in a movie or help you with a business deal, but on the flip side you lose privacy, put your life up for everyone else's scrutiny, and one mistake can shatter your whole life.
What I'm referring to is described in the Bible:
Give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, ‘Who is the Lord?’ Or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of my God. ~ Proverbs 30:8-9
Or in Buddism:
Monks, these two extremes ought not to be practiced by one who has gone forth from the household life. (What are the two?) There is addiction to indulgence of sense-pleasures, which is low, coarse, the way of ordinary people, unworthy, and unprofitable; and there is addiction to self-mortification, which is painful, unworthy, and unprofitable. 3
There is a path that is best that lays between extremes.
That's up to you. I want to:
Mainly I'd like to strike a balance. To be and do my best, but not to be so obsessive that I have to sacrifice the better things in life.
I'm okay if you disagree with me. I will probably even disagree with myself in a few years, but as for now, this is the wisdom of someone just coming out of there twenties. Please join me on my most excellent path of mediocrity.
