The phrase that's diminishes your intimate relationship.
At times, in a moment of feeling regected, dumped, or treated unfairly by our partners, we protect ourselves with a firewall: NEVER AGAIN
-Never again will I let myself be hurt like this.
-Never again will I allow myself to be so vulnerable.
-Never again will I depend on you.
Such firewall may be fully conscious or barely at the edge of awareness.
We may not use the exact phrase "Never again" but whatever form the firewall takes, we draw a line in the sand. We may not realize the power of our firewalls until months or years later.
To be clear, I am not talking about relationships in which you are the victim such as emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. In relationships like that, here the firewall "Never again" is a sign of health.
You need to make sure the abuse comes to a stand still, either by the other person addressing their faulty patterns or by you quiting the relationship.
Hiwever I am talking about relationships in which one or both partners tolerate the feeling of abandonment by mentally staying away.
In my 23 years going to Marriage Seminars, I've observe this many times. Fights go unresolved. Passion is absent in the relationship. They turn away from each other. They are no longer one.
Ofcourse many things happens which splits partners or diminishes the fire 🔥between two people...
At one marriage seminar i participated, one couple came out to states their ordeal... "Eight years ago i was afraid I might have cancer ," one person recalls. "I was so scared for sometimes as i went to the hospital, and they did test after test. But you(pointing to the man) seemed preoccupied with your job."
Another related his ordeal, "My parents died within three months of their life. I felt so lonely. But you were too busy to comfort me."
A couple has their second child and the husband seems to be distant, not sharing the joy or the work, so unlike he did with the first child. His wife feels confused and rejected.
Another woman had a miscarriage but her partner doesn't want to talk about it, telling her it’s better to forget and move on. She feels alone in her grief(pain).
In another case, one partner’s job is suddenly in jeopardy. All he needed was support and encouragement but his partner seems too worried about money. He feels that nobody has his back.
Such ordeal can trigger deep wounds. We feel alone, misunderstood and afraid. We wonder and ask:
Why aren’t you there for me?
Can I even depend on you?
Do you really love me?
We begin to see our partners differently. We trust less. We notice the times they aren't there for us, more than the times they are. Sometimes we try to show our feelings to our partners. But maybe they don’t understand or can't see it, so we give up. Most times, we say nothing. We become less interested in the relationship.
Most times, in Counseling when a partner shares the pain from a long-ago hurt, we discover that the other partner has little or no idea about the degree of the wound. #The first step to hacking into the "Never again" firewall is to communicate with your partner. Talk about what happened, how you felt.
I know this may be difficult. After being hurt, opening up may make you to feel vulnerable. But "Never again" firewall can undermine the beginning of your relationship. The wounds generally doesn't just go away or heal on its own. If you are telling your partner about a wound that infect your view about the relationship , be as open as much as you can. Your partner may initially seem surprised or even defensive at first, but let it be known to your partner that you are speaking up to improve the relationship, not to make it worse. Also, leave an opening for your partner to share his/her opinion at the time.
If your partner is the one telling you about a past incident that hurt them, recognize the pain for them to bring it up.
Honest communication can bring back life to your relationship. If needed, seek the help of a good therapist. Communicating can change your view of your partner, which may have become negative over time. Taking about what happened can offer the lessons on what each of you can do better next time. Healing can soften firewall called #“Never again” and open the door called #LET'S TRY
