I had a dream that was with me like an untold song in my heart. It was not a noisy dream that screamed to be heard. It was tender, firm and hopeful. I used to dream of being a person that would bring the family pride, someone whose life would be a story of hard work, development and fulfilment.
I did not want to fail in school not necessarily by failing exams, but just to show myself that my background was not my future. I felt that with hard work and efforts, life will open its doors before me with a smiling face.
This dream made me stronger as a student. It compelled me to read when people slept and to continue reading when I was exhausted. I envisioned a day in which my parents are smiling due to me, thus mentioned with respect, and my hardships will be worth it. I envisioned myself as a harsh, confident, and satisfied person. My way was simple: work, concentrate, excel and climb.
However, as I would later discover, life does not necessarily go according to the plans that we meticulously make. Gradually, problems started to arise. Others were heavy and others were small as well. I began to feel the impact of financial issues, expectation pressure, emotional burden and the burden of my surrounding.
At times, I even felt as though I was in a race and I was walking with a weight on my head. Others appeared to move more easily and faster and I could not walk easily.
I experienced discouragement at some point. I kept on asking myself questions. I enquired whether my dream was too big to be in the hands of a person like me. I saw opportunities go by, not because I was not able to get them but because the circumstances were not on my side.
I laughed at myself on some occasions because I thought how such an individual with big dreams could get stuck. It was agonizing, yet it was a reality.
Fear came into the picture at some point. Fear of failure. Shy of letting down people who had believed in me. The dread of the second attempt and the second fall. It started to come to my mind that dreams are not just being put to the test by working hard, but also by perseverance. It is one thing to desire something; it is another to clinging on to it in time of storms. I got to know that life does not always say no, just say not now.
The dream did not actually abandon me though it was becoming more difficult to access. It changed shape. It matured. I began to realize that growth does not necessarily manifest itself. As I was concerned about my destination, life was giving me patience, humility, and strength.
I also got to know how to live without giving up on disappointment. I got to know how to begin again when you feel broken. I was taught to trust in myself in silence and not to clap.
I spent several hours meditating, contemplating, and reconstructing myself. I posed difficult questions and confronted unpleasant facts. I also accepted my flaws and forgave myself that I was not a perfect person.
I started to realize that it was not just a dream of succeeding but becoming a better human being. The procrastination was influencing my personality. The fight was putting some color in my tale.
I am not empty though I may not be quite where I thought I would be today. I am wiser. I am stronger. I am a dreamer but with better-open eyes and an easy heart. I have learned that dreams are not killed due to postponement, they are killed when we surrender to ourselves. And I refuse to give up.
This experience has made me understand that each individual has a latent struggle. A smile has a story behind it, a success has a waiting period. Life, problems and situation may have postponed my dream, but it has also been perfected through them.
I keep it in my heart, not with desperation, but with faith. I have learned one thing in case; a good dream will never go to waste. Although it appears to be distant, it is already in us, and it is making us into what we should be. And when the moment comes it will utter again, bigger and more distinctly than ever.
