Guess I wasn't one. I wanted to be special, to become ambitious and successful lady since a kid, it was a dream.It still is and work for it each day. I never spoke about marriage. I hated it because it seemed to be dependent on anyone else for my needs and things I always wanted to have in my life.I hated the fact that some day I might have to ask someone for a dress or anything for that matter. And what if he denied? The thought itself was frustrating. As if it took my freedom already. I never liked wearing any Indian ethnic garment, it felt so helpless as if I was nothing more than feminine. I wanted to be a tomboy, that's what they called similar girls at that time. Fearless, fun and fierce.
In the Image - ME! Blurred yet smiling. The same state of mind while I was a kid :)
I was just 3 and a half. A mere, when I started to encounter quite a handful of experiences in life already while my classmates were just unaware of many things called as depression, anxiety, health issues and most importantly relationships. This isn't about the negative approach to life but about the hindrances, most unexpected and underlined experiences and my journey through all of it yet. It is yes quite personal but sharing it here for many more so they can breathe (even if its for a moment) and rethink about their struggles and life.
In the Image - My first drape of sheer love dedicated to my mom. With roses tucked in pins making it even more beautiful and stable., just like all of us beneath.
Its easy to say that I work hard, I'm honest and I have certain principles when most of us in heart know we do not really abide by any of there. And guess what its totally okay. Why? Because we are not meant to be perfect. We are meant to experience, touch, feel, sense and live. Hear our own translation of influences and things. Our own rhythm of heartbeat and our own breadth. Knowing everything i subjective, yes there are people who would understand terms like - luck, struggle, disappointment and LOVE. With a mind full of fairy tales read to us and made to believe upon we girls in India (most of us though) understand the term LOVE which depicts nothing more than a romantic relationship. But we most times forget there are a few little ones who understand love by knowing their family, their struggles with the family. SO was I one of them. I knew LOVE as my devotion for my mother. My only one. My only special. <3
Just when I turned three and half, we went through a big change in our life. My mother went to her paternal house, for our next family member to be arrived soon. Not knowing as a result she will be super ill and the days would change upside down for me. Now I had no one to talk to. My best friend, my mother was indeed in pain and suffering. Here I was, all alone, quiet watching my mother, sitting at her bedside each day after my school to tell her everything about what happened there. But there wasn't much of response. She was on medication. She slept for hours and yes I still did not understand that change. Finally after a few months I learned to make phone calls to my dad at office and ask him to come home early to feed my lil baby brother.
Later I learned the house hold and yes I was good at it. It never felt as a responsibility though. Yes never. Because it was just how life was supposed to be I guess. She listened to each gossip I brought home from school and yes pretended she enjoyed. May be I dint make any sense then. Still I made some good sketches. I met girls older than me near to my house and then sat after a day or two beside mum and sketched them. Din't knew if I did it correctly or not but when I gifted them, they seem to be happy. They said I was really good at it. That was the very first time I experienced appreciation. A true joy in my heart. I danced all day that day. I remember.
I loved music and dance. Art for me was my relaxation.I never minded when someone was hostile to me or bullied me because I was the favorite and the most innocent duffer in the class. I drew while sitting at the last bench, not noticing any of the maths being taught there. It was the most lonely yet very peaceful and ravishing time of my life. I had no regrets, I had no hopes, no aspirations and yet very subtle about my being. I was at a balance in my mind. I had the power to keep calm when things went so wrong with me. Even if I failed in any subject, my mother would still believe that I was doing a duty no other child could. And it was this appreciation that led to the immense happiness which further led to peace in my mind.
In the Image - The Roses with pins tucked in beautiful yet not easy to achieve.
I would bring a red rose to each classmate on their birthday to please them to like me even if I wasn't good at studies. There was and is still a deep connection with red roses. An affection which has never faded. In-fact you can call it an obsession. Because no one ever offered or gifted me one.
For the first time I heard my mother saying to someone "you know my daughter works really hard" & there it was. I wasn't a duffer anymore. I thought I am good enough. I am hard working. And yes I did genuinely started to work hard for my grades. I made my goal to excel on subjects where I failed. And I DID! It was like a miraculous thing she made me believe in. There were friends and I no more had to buy flowers for them on their birthdays..
Still each day when I came home, there were things which made me learn the nuances of being a girl in the society or to be precise a community where in a girl is just a mere burden. My mother was proud of me. She once said to me you're smart and whatever you wear looks great on you, there again, it boosted the shit out of me. I had all the confidence I needed & I believed in myself. I was my superhero… because I was made to believe that I was one. ....
In the Image - ME! (7 years ago) - A confident, happy and strong one!
Ill post more in the next one.. I hope people will relate their life with mine and so will I.
Do let me know your encounters with LOVE in your family.
Be good!
