..//..//++Hack+-

Characters:
Assboy5000- He's an very dumb player who suddenly gets pulled into the world of Final Hack.
Subarango- She's a leader of a guild called the, 'Kites.'
Pinto- He becomes assboy's friend. Since he likes death, destruction, and lots of rear end explosions.
Hair- Strong and very old. He's the brains of the team. 96 years old and swears a lot.
Mimiryu- A 10 year old girl who tries to act mature.
Dark Aurabora- Kidnapper of assboy. He needs to defeat the AB(ArtificialBullshit) to get home. Don't define AB. AB defines you!
Ipk- A pk who hates the game because he can't pk. He stalks assboy thinking he can gain his powers of pking. Never accepting the fact he's no hacker.
GM Bob- After Assboy does the ultimate evil on X-mas the GMs are sent after him. They think he is a
hacker accessing GM rights.
The Company- They own the game. There are people in the company trying to hide this event. They are very afraid of being sued.

Assboy is a bad player. He often dies in the game. He idolizes the day that he'll be as good as, Kevin. He watches the cancelled Nintendo cartoon all the time. It has a dog named, Duke. Since the name, Captain N was taken. He decided to pick a name no one would choose. Assboy was born! Wait, that too was taken. Assboy5000 was born!

Epilogue: I was at the store. I had $50! A rare moment for me. Most times I'm broke. I saw a game on sale in the back for $6.66. I heard it was a good game. Not sure why it was on sale after being out for only 1 month? But I was about to find out why. After getting home from the mall I started to install the game on my computer. Final Hack+-. What a strange name. I didn't have any friends at that time. My best friend died in a car accident. I might have caused with the help of LSD. Well... That's what I tell people. In reality he got new friends. I was nearly done with High School. So I was off to start a new life in college. A new life was something I was looking for. Little did I know I'd be... hey?! What the fuck am I talking about? I got sidetracked!

I would pop onto Final .+-/Hack often. It was either that or watch TV. The game was ok... Nothing to cheer about. I was a level 10 blue mage. Suddenly on my first week of summer vacation. The one before college I was playing at midnight. Everything seemed normal. Then... Some unexplained event happened. Everything went black. I suddenly found myself in the game. I was like, "Oh crap!" I needed to use the bathroom in real life. If I stayed in this world too long my body would crap itself. They might leave me there to die. The smell will be awful. I had Taco Bell. I'd also have keyboard keys imprinted in my skin. Even worse! My dog is also in my room! He'll take a crap too! THE SMELL! I HAVE TO ESCAPE BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE! But enough of my adventures with drugs. Assboy also got stuck in the game. This is his tale.

NPC, "Welcome to the World."
Assboy5000, "OMFG shut up! I need to think of a way out."
NPC, "Welcome to the World."
Assboy5000, "Maybe if I punch myself. If I feel pain my body will... um..."
The player punches himself. He falls to the ground in deep pain. He's not sure why he hit himself that hard.
NPC, "Welcome to the World."
Assboy5000, "Maybe if I scream for help!
HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!"
Player walking nearby says, "Shut up spammer."
Assboy5000, "... I need a plan."
3 hours go by.

Assboy5000, "Well my parents must have barged in thinking I was downloading porn. Instead they probably found me passed out playing gasp... A PC GAME! Sigh. Think I'll wander into town and ask for help?"
NPC, "Welcome to the World."
Assboy5000, "If only I could kill this npc... Hm...."
Assboy punches the npc. It responds by attacking. Assboy falls to the ground and dies.
Assboy5000 respawns, "I got it! My soul is trapped in this game! I'm in Hell! Wait... I'm not evil. Why am I in Hell?"
A player walks by and overhears Assboy.
Player, "I think you've been playing this game too long. You should disconnect."
Assboy5000, "Would if I could see the terminal."
Player, "Just hit the power button."
Assboy5000, "Can't see that either."
Player, "How messy is your room?"
Assboy5000, "Can I punch you? Hey buddy get over here! I'm sick of all you stupid people!"
Assboy punches the player. It counts as a pk kill. The player must have been a newbie to die so easily.
Assboy5000, "That was fun! I know! I can steal the god armor I always wanted! I suppose I could stay here a bit longer. I mean, might as well get all the good stuff."
NPC that was near him loops it's dialect, "Welcome to the World."
Assboy5000, "But before that! I need to disable NPC speech, the right way!"
Assboy drop kicks the welcome npc into the wall. It dies. Assboy5000 gets XP and heads to town.

Blastok Adventure 1

The player Hair walks up to another player, "Mimiryu you need a ally for a dungeon?"
Mimiryu the sword wielder, "Sure... Hey! What's that?! I see something not right."
Assboy can be seen stealing directly from the armor dealer.
Hair, "Must be an Event. Let's go over and find out."
The two walk over to Ass. There aren't many people in that area of the market at that time.
Hair, "Hey, are you a GM?"
Assboy, "... Sure. That's how I'm able to steal all this stuff."
Mimiryu, "Wait that's not possible! Are you a hacker!?"
Assboy, "... Sure. That's how I'm able to steal all this stuff."
Hair, "I'm, Hair. What's your name?"
Assboy, "Look over my head stupid. Then turn the name filter off."
Hair, "I knew that."
Mimiryu, "Hey, that's a bad name."
Assboy, "At least people can remember my name. Here... Help me with this loot."
Hair, "Don't Mimiryu. What he's doing is illegal. We better not get involved."
Assboy, "Look... Level 100 armor... free."
Hair, "Level 100!"
Hair looks both ways and starts helping Assboy.
Mimiryu, "Hey!"
Hair, "Shut up stupid and help him. This stuff is ultra rare."
Mimiryu, "But stealing is bad."
Hair, "Not if you need it!"
3 more hours pass as Ass explains his problem...

Hair, "So you are stuck inside this game?"
Assboy, "No one else will believe me. Please."
Hair, "I believe you. There are a lot of unexplained things I've seen in my life. Most of them were later explained. But I believe you because you gave me lvl 100 armor!"
Mimiryu, "Do you feel pain?"
Assboy, "Only when people ask me stupid questions."
1 minute later...

Hair, "Well I need to get going to, Ebay... I mean work tomorrow."
Assboy, "Ok, thanks for standing watch while I stole this stuff."
Mimiryu, "My parents are going to kill me for staying up this late."
Assboy, "I know a trick. Fall down the stairs and say you had an accident. They won't question you after that."
Mimiryu, "Thanks for the... Hey! You are mean!"
Assboy, "I was so close."
The two log off.
Assboy, "Oh crap! I forgot to ask them how escape! I petitioned a GM over 4 hours ago. WTF are they
doing?!"
The GM Letter reads, “Help, I'm stuck in your damn game. My body is probably in a coma. I'm suing you bastards into the ice age! GET ME OUT!” -Assboy5000
12 hours go by and Assboy gets no reply. The GM regarded it as some newbie being an ass. They put his account under surveillance.
Assboy5000, "Yawn... That was a good nap! Oh right! I don't sleep! I don't eat, but I bet the doctors have all kinds of tubes in me. Probably got one up my ass!"
Player, "Who are you talking to?"
Assboy5000, "Hey... BUUUUDDY!"
Player, "Wah! PK! WAH! That's a sword! You are a blue mage! WTF? That doesn't make sense!"
The player tries to run. But Assboy has a level 100 sword. He didn't get far.
Another Player is found dead on the ground in the next area, "Help, I need a rez."
Assboy5000 comes across him, acting noble, "I'll rez you."
Assboy throws a rez potion he stole into the water.
Another Player, "You are sick man!"
Assboy picks up his body and heads to the water, "I always wanted to fish."
Another Player, "What... AHHHh!"
Assboy pushes the player into the water. The player falls through the world.
Assboy, "Oh crap! I forgot to tie him to something. Well I think I'll explore the field of lag?"
From the street alley nearby a player sees the event transpire. His name, Ipk.
Ipk, "I knew it! There's a way to pk in the game? I must have his ability. OOOOHHHH! A +10 damage mace! Oh yeah... I'm a thief... ??? He's gone! OOOOHHHH! A +1 damage knife! Oh wait... I already got one? I should probably stop looking at my inventory. My sexy sexy inventory!"

Quifgum Adventure 2

This zone is famous for lag and lots of death. Assboy comes here often to laugh at people dying.
Assboy5000, "Hey! The lag isn't effecting me! I got an idea."
Assboy stabs a monster. Walks around to the monster's back and stab's him again. The monster turns in an attempt to see the player. Assboy keeps walking circles around it stabbing it. The monster dies. A group of players watch him.
RedMoon, "Good work! Hey want to join our group?"
Assboy5000, "Ok, I'll pull. Wait... Stand over here, near this cliff. It's very far from the zone exit... I mean danger."
RedMoon, "Ok, thanks. We are new to this area."
Assboy mumbles, "And the concept of repeated deaths."
Assboy stabs a creature. Since lag doesn't effect him he's able to run around it easily. He grabs another monster. Another monster and another. Now he has all the monsters in the zone chasing him very slowly. Ass shouts, "RUN! I GOT A TRAIN!"

Normally groups run to the exit and zone out to safety. But what happens when an army of monsters is blocking the entrance? Assboy decides to find out.
RedMoon, "You zoned out? Man you are fast... Hey... What's that behind you!?"
Freddi, "OMG he's trying to kill us!"
Assboy realizes he needs to stop them from running away, "Group root!"
Reeba, "I can't move! You SOB!"
Assboy, "Don't worry... I'll save you."
Assboy takes the train of monsters and runs them all off a cliff. The monsters all fall into the water.
RedMoon, "I'm confused. You could have killed us. Hey, we are still rooted."
Assboy grabs the player bodies and one by one goes to the cliff, "Fishing time..."
The group becomes live bait. Assboy pushes each member down to their death.
RedMoon, "You'll burn for this!"
Assboy, "It's ok... I had Quiznoes!"

The GM Chapter 5
I skipped head. So deal with it.

CCCCCcorp, "GM it is your task to find this hacker player and deal with him/her, they/it."
GM, "Wouldn't it be easier to just ban the account?"
CCCCCcorp, "No, we would rather have you wander the world aimlessly."
GM, "Really?"
CCCCCcorp, "No. If we could have deleted the player's account we would have."
GM, "Well then how can I stop this player if you couldn't?"
CCCCCcorp, "Because we are giving you this!"
-GM gets a sticker that says banned-
GM, "You are serious?"
CCCCCcorp, "We are giving you 99 of these just in case you screw up. But beware anyone you stick with this will be permanently banned."
-The GM places a sticker on himself-
CCCCCcorp, "Obviously we knew you would try that. So we made you immune."
GM, "Don't I get a cool weapon?"
CCCCCcorp, "No."
GM, "Max stats, max level?"
CCCCCcorp, "No. No."
GM, "So I'm a level 1 with only this item. And this stupid costume."
CCCCCcorp, "Get going! You are costing us money on long distance charges!"
GM mutters, "Cheap shits."

In the city Chapter 6

GM, "How am I going to find this hacker?"
Player Mickey starts boasting to his friend, "I'm a hacker, lalala."
George pipes in, "Shut up! A GM might hear you!"
Mickey, "GM? They are a mythical creature created to scare players into following the rules."
GM, "I found you! Take that!" -GM throws the sticker, Mickey dematerialized-
George, "Wow! He's gone!"
GM, "Well that was easy. All in a day's work!"
George inquires further, "So you can ban anyone that says they are a hacker, even when they aren't?"
GM, "... Oops... I mean... Um... He was a hacker. He was a player pretending to um... be a fake hacker, even though he was a real hacker."
George buys the stupid excuse, "Sorry for doubting you. You must have some kind of cool equipment that detects hackers."
GM hastily leaves, "Gotta go. Stay clean kid...(I should probably wait for them to do something illegal)"
2 days later...

Timmy runs up to the GM, "Hacker, hacker!"
GM, "Where?"
Timmy, "I know where, but you have to group with me."
GM, "Ok take me there."
3.5 seconds banana cheesecake later...

Timmy, "There! It's got 9999999999 HP!"
GM, "Stand back, I'll get it! Eat my sticker!"
-Creature dies, both timmy and the GM become lvl 50."
Timmy, "Wow! Thanks hacker!"
GM, "Wait a minute! That was the final boss! Hey you tricked me! I'm gonna... He's gone! Well... At least now I'm level 50. Better loot the kill."
1 week 4 days 23 hours 59 minutes 56.5 seconds later...

GM, "I'm fully decked out in armor! Ha! Beware hacker! I'm coming for you!"
CCCCCcorp contacts him, "GM it's been 2 weeks. What happened?"
GM, "... I'm still searching for the hacker."
CCCCCcorp, "Where did you get all that armor?!"
GM, "My modem is going... I have to disconnect! Message me later."
CCCCCcorp, "You...dghdgsjhgdja"
GM contemplates his situation, "Oh man I'm screwed!"
Pinto overhears, "Hey are you a GM?"
GM, "Yes, I am."
Pinto, "Can you help my friend. He says he's stuck in the game world. And he's able to do impossible things. Like hacking."
GM, "Where is he/she, it/they?"
Pinto, "Blastok."
GM, "(Best not let the hacker know I'm coming.) I'll get back to you in 2 days."
Pinto, "Cool! Better response time than the MMO, Rift! Thanks!"
GM, "..."

Chapter Arrows 7-

Gares and his comrade are lazing about, "Hey man, let's go kill something. If we stand around here nothing's gonna happen."
Something catches Deep's interest, "What's that noise?"
Gares drops dead from an arrow to the head.
Deep, "Lol, nothing's gonna happen you said! Clearly standing here was a good idea. Hahaha. (Arrow noise) ... Oh crap!"
Deep is dead.
The camera zooms across the map to Assboy. Then gets that annoying lens flare.
Assboy5000, "If I kill this high level creature I'll gain max stats with just one kill. All I have to do is hit it enough times with these arrows. Wish I knew where in that forest it was. Oh well."
Banjo walks near the two player corpses, "What's that noise?"
Banjo is dead.
Pinto emerges, "Hey Assboy. What are you doing?"
Assboy, "Trying to kill this high level creature. I was told it's down in that valley, forest. But I can't see anything below. So I'm just firing randomly."
Pinto, "You can hit it from that far away?"
Assboy, "Sure, I just need to guess it's location!"
Assboy fires more arrows. Player screams are heard with each arrow landing.
Pinto, "What's that noise?"
Assboy, "The boss, I guess? Looks like I found it! Must be huge, since it doesn't seem to matter where I fire."
Pinto, "Um..."
Assboy5000, "What?"
More screams.
Pinto, "It can regenerate."
Assboy5000, "What? Well... Not if I do this!"
Assboy5000 Assboy fires as many arrows as he can in a handful of seconds. Screams and bodies are found everywhere. The Borlof brothers aren't impressed.
Assboy5000 looks at his XP the boss clearly isn't dead, "Screw this! Here take the bow. It's all yours."
Pinto, "Oh boy! This bow must be special! Thanks!"
Assboy5000 leaves. The angry players follow the arrow trail back to Pinto. Pinto is screwed since he's now holding the bow. A thousand screen shots are taken. People report this to the GM.
GM arrives 1 second too late, "Hey you on the ground? Hey? Crap he's dead. The hacker must have known my contact was Pinto."
Assboy walks nearby, "I'd sell my soul to get out of this god damn game! Wait! I got it!"
Assboy awakes in the hospital. The doctors rush in. Later he recalls how he managed to escape. He sent the GM a message, "Dear GM I found this hacker that can do impossible things. If you reset the servers I'm sure you will be able to find him. -Assboy5000"
Assboy, "I'm free! Aw crap I feel weak."
Doctor, "You were in coma for over 2 weeks. Your father committed suicide."
Assboy, "Well at least there's some good news. I will never play that game again."
3 weeks later...

Assboy, "I'm bored. I think I'll check out .hack? ... WAHHHH! I'm stuck in the game again!"
MMO addiction affects players across the globe. Help combat MMO addiction by telling people to read this story. Also pay me $15! I need to feed my Everquest addiction!