Please No More!
Characters-
Yuna- Regen useless, curaga useless, limit break useless, attack power useless. Yuna dying, priceless.
Squall- It's Squall. All he did was dye his hair blonde. Yuna is Rinoa. You can't fool me!
Auron- The guy is real cool. Someone dies and he says, "tough luck." Now there's a real American!
Rikku- What the hell are those swirly things in her eyes? Why does Square forget to keep them in the cut scenes? She's 15? Ahhh Bullshit! Nothing about her makes sense.
Wakka- He uses a dodge ball to solve all his problems. He uses it a little too much. I think he sleeps with it!
Seymour- He's gay. He has no interest in Yuna. Don't be fooled! He has no interest in Tidus. Who is also a girl. I have seen him sniff Auron.
Cid- Stupid, annoying, red neck, bald. He's your basic car mechanic. They made him a car mechanic in Final Fantasy 15?! The fuck?! I wrote this FAQ back in 2003!
Lulu- Depression queen. Leave it to her to make your spirits soar when someone dies.
Ragu- Good thing to have on noodles.
Ject- You're gonna cry you damn pansies!
Sin is an evil huge beast that kills people for dog food. Apparently when we die our souls turn into dog food. This supplies the dungeons with food. Food which a week later turns into a mountain of crap. Beware. After a few years the stuff calcifies, forming new walls. Sin brings monsters from all over the world into these dungeons. I had to walk through a new dungeon. Shit everywhere. Oh that's the just art. Why they don't fly from one place to the next is beyond me. They also banned machines because Sin gets pissed when it sees them. A few thousand years go by and the world is a horrific place to live. Unless you're a dog. People live every moment is paranoia and fear.
The story starts 1,000 years in the past. Squall is revived as a Blitz Ball player. He's forced to play a sadistic game where people swim around in this huge sphere of water. Somehow it floats in the middle with no support. If you wall out, it's a 100 foot drop. The players must swim from one side to the next at incredibly slow speeds. If the fans get angry you get booed. Which is almost impossible to hear! You are in water! The worst part is you have to hold your breathe for 50 minutes. Squall makes it to the finals because he's the main character. This actually explains why he's so stupid. All that brain damage from not going up for air.
As the game is wrapping up you can see this giant thing attacking your city from a distance. People start running as you get attacked by one of it's many death beams. It sends you outside of the sphere. Which leads to your fatal fall. After that happens Squall meets up with Auron outside. Think I skipped something? Well I didn't. Now let's never speak of this again! Auron talks about his father forming some kind of master plan. You don't find out what that is. You are teleported into the present day by stuff. I really can't make out what I'm looking at. Did someone just hire a special effects guy and say, "You would make a great character modeler."
Squall wakes up in the ruins of his once prosperous city. After wandering around for a bit, he decides to make a small fire. Survival tip 101! When in a new area. Start a fire. Always start a fire! Kefka has taught me well. The fire catches the attention of some ecxavators, exca, pillagers! They take him aboard for interrogation. Unfortunately you don't speak their language. It's called Albed. Don't bother learning it. You'll need to learn it later to unlock some special quests. Before Squall can get aquantied, aqcuint, FUCK! Before he gets a chance to know them, he's smacked into the water by a giant tentacle.
Squall wakes up later near the shores of Kilawaka Village. He checks his butt to make sure. Tentacles. After confirming he was not raped he swims ashore and meets Wakka. Wakka is a Blitzball player. I guess that sport survived 1,000 years! Squall has no other talent than sports. So he convinces Wakka to let him play for his team. A random woman pops out of a temple on your way to town. She calls herself Yuna. She's on a quest to save the world. Squall doesn't care. He needs to help Wakka win Blitzball! After an event less boat ride. You arrive at the harbor city of... Bargenstien! There you prepare for your sports debut!
Issues ensue when Rinoa, I mean Tifa, ah shit! The freaking woman who likes Squall can't find her way to the bleachers to cheer the team on. You must use your remaining party members to locate her. They see it as relief, being bored to death watching people swim; as fast as a snail moves, taking hours to score just one goal! The tiger guy, Simba. I forgot to mention him, gets into a fight with a few other tiger thing guys. The other two are much bigger than Simba, so the only thing you can do here is cheat. You must convince them Sin is coming. While they are out looking for Sin you proceed towards Yuna, to help her find the damn bleachers! Suddenly she is abducted. You must now battle these guys in a Metal Gear. Spetnaz with a surprise! The way to beat them is to say something in Albed. I didn't bother learning the language so they cut Yuna to show they were serious. Simba got pissed, rushed them, and ate them whole. Whoops! The docks is one again safe! I forgot to mention that! This happens on the docks!
Yuna, "Squall! Squall!" Yuna runs through the bustling crowd.
Wakka can be seen on the nearby television. Squall's team was victorious! So much for his debut.
Squall, "Adreane! I mean Yuna! We won!"
Yuna, "Oh... I wrote a great speech in case you lost."
Squall, "We won. No need for a speech."
Yuna, "It was a good speech you ignorant jock!"
Squall, "Go whistle stupid!"
Yuna, "I will! Just make sure you laugh, you retard!"
Squall and Yuna get along well. The day ends with Squall using Wakka as a cash machine for food. The ignogoration, inogoration, ignch, FUCK! Just as the groups is about to claim the trophy, Sin arrives! Well that sucks. Looks like Squall told those tiger guys the truth! Sin looks pissed. Sin is always pissed. It shoots out minions from it's body. The stadium becomes overrun with monsters and telemarketers! No fear! Auron saves you from the telemarketers. He promptly hangs up on them. With that out of the way. The only thing Squall can do about the monsters is run. Try to use children as bait. The more people you can throw into the monster's path the faster you can leave. What? It's their fault for living in a violent world without weapons. Just like all those people who don't buy swords in America. Don't blame me when that elf busts down your door, and you have only the family pet to hurl at the creature.
Ject, "You're gonna cry."
After getting the hell out of that doomed city. The team ventures to a summon creature lady, ... Blark. There she battles her summon creature against Yuna's. O forgot to mention Yuna is going around the world, visiting temples to get summons. She will then use said summons to kill Sin. It's not important. Unfortunately Blark's not very original. She steals your summon creature! I hope you have a spare. In return Blark taunts you and leaves. The people in this game are assholes. I remember giving wak' ka all my money. You know what I get for it? I get nothing! Now Squall must master the blitzball technique his dad used when he was a kid. Mastering or not mastering this ability has no effect on the outcome of the game. It's just one of the many worthless side quests and, mini games the programmers put in to taunt the player. Make sure you complete all the quests in the game to unlock the mega weapons!
Squall and party wander around for a while. Then end up at this weird place, the overlook? It's a cliff that, with a shore below, that stretches into the water. You meet a guy called Seymor who has a small army. Before you can get aquant... fuck not again. Before you can do a meet and greet. Sin emerges from the ocean. The party is panicked. Seymor tells his troops to attack Sin. You know the guy is evil! C'mon, they aren't the hero's of the game. So they should know they can't beat Sin. Besides, they look like a glop of sea weed! That's right! Weed. As we all know the result is everyone dying. Silly people. No one is a match for Sin.
There is a guy who wants to join the battle. Convince him to join and you will have managed to kill all the plebes. Sin is vengeful, Sin is pissed. For wasting it's time, you must fight is left ball sack; after it hurls it into the air. Seymour says he can help but he's useless. Summon a GM, and stop wondering why they gave you such weak characters. Grrr. GM Bird Thing arrives! Now you can win the battle with Bird Abomination's (it has boobs) only move! Wind Attack! It flaps it's wings. /:
Seymour thanks you and prepares to vacate. Before he does he makes a pass at, Yuna. Squall gets mad.
Seymour, "I like your dress. I'd like to take it and strangle you with it."
Yuna, "Oh! You are so thoughtful."
Squall, "Back off you homicidal maniac! This whore is mine!"
Seymour, "We'll see. After all you're just a jock."
Seymour leaves. Squall gets enraged and takes it out on Wakka. Oh Wakka, where would I be, if I couldn't beat you on a regular basis? Squall picks up the dirt from the ground and chews it. He then spits it up on the ground, and marks his territory. I'm not sure why, but apparently it's a tradition. This game has weird customs. Not like our culture. Ours make sense. Like ramming your head into a wall to get attention. Works every time.
Auron is very quiet most of the game. He's also very drunk. Avoid getting close. Auron tends to swing around his sword a lot. The last guy he hit became two, then died. Auron stumbles into battle. He also swears a lot! When your party rants. Lulu teams up with Auron to make Squall feel depressed. She's a misery chick, and she likes company for some odd reason. The journey continues. Squall comes across a girl washed up on shore. It's Rikku from the beginning of the game! I forgot to mention she helps Squall speak with the Albed. Before Sin attacked you the... second time? Squall sees she's got some kind of worm infection in her eyes. Squall introduces Rikku.
She says, "I'm a hyper active fussy girl who likes taking rusted nails and shoving them into pigs! I eat lots of people, and kill whenever I get bored. Can I join you?"
Squall, "Whatever. Just don't take my Blitzball job."
Rikku steals poorly. She can't hit. Actually she's the worst character in the game. I try to keep her near Auron and hope for an accident! Simba smells another temple! He tells the team to hurry. You must get more summon creatures. Make up for the one that was stolen earlier. The more creatures you have, the easier it is to win the game. Also make sure to max them out on HP and every thing else. You'll be rewarded at the end of the game. Muwhahahah.
As you start gathering summoning creatures the church doesn't like your progress. Probably because I keep shitting on their customs. They send Seymour to smite you! Seymour sucks at smiting. So Seymour kidnaps Yuna, and forces her to marry him. The two head off to the church capital of the world, San Francisco! Squall gathers his forces and storms the ridiculously castle. This building must be a mile tall! To get in Rikku must steal an airship. But they don't exist in Final Fantasy 10. So you have to you back to FF9. Take the ship, and land on the top of the cathedral. Which strangely doesn't have many rails. The team fights their way to where Yuna is being held by Seymor.
Squall, "Let her go!"
Seymour, "That's your best line jock? How about doing something decent with your life. Like impressing the men. I mean ladies! Now to kiss the bride. My dead family would be proud."
Seymour kisses Yuna. Sparks fly between the two as they entwine themselves in each others warmth. Yuna seems to be the only one enjoying it. Squall is in engulfed in a fury.
Squall, "Damn you! Auron get him!"
Auron, "I'm the team leader runt. I give the orders...."
Auron passes out. Too much beer. Damn Auron.
Squall, "Yuna! No!"
Yuna, "Oh god! What am I doing with him? He wears eye shadow!
Seymor, "It was a gift from my mother! Besides it's too late. The ceremony completed once we kissed. You are now my husband! Errr Wife!"
Yuna, "There is a custom in the church for getting divorced! (she climbs over the side of the plaform) ... Weeeeeee!!!!"
Yuna does a Kamikaze dive off the building! Her target? The pavement. Squall thinks Yuna's idea has flaws, and tells the GM Bird Creature to rescue her in mid air. It works! Good thing the roof is 1 mile up. They make their escape. At the bottom the group meets. Seymour says he'll get revenge for some reason. I keep forgetting the reason. Something about the Mana Sword. Go Flammie! Flame on!
Squall, "What you did back there was reckless and stupid."
Yuna, "I'm sorry Leon."
Squall, "Look it's my job to look after you."
Yuna, "I guess I suck at planning."
Auron, "You sure do you stupid bitch!"
Everyone, "Auron!"
Squall, "You're alive? How? I thought you OD on the sauce?"
Auron, "No. Just had too much Listerine again."
Simba, "That stuff is drinkable?"
Auron, "How the hell should I know you over stuffed fur carpet."
One hour later, Seymour arrives pissed.
Seymour, "How dare you take Yuna. I had bets placed with the priests, on how she'd die."
Wakka, "Really? What kind of bets."
Seymour, " I bet she would bounce twice and her head would explode on impact."
Squall, "Dang! I could have won money! I mean... I could... Screw it. Prepare to die Seymour! You can join your father in hell!"
Seymour, "How did you know I killed my father?"
Everyone, "???"
Lulu, "Stupid."
The battle takes place inside the building. They flipped a coin. An inside battle and won the toss. That's ok. You fight Seymour like 12 more times, one of them is outdoors. Squall easily dispatches Seymour with his sword. I forgot to mention he had one. With Seymour dead you can now attempt to kill Sin, and collect the reward money. Unfortunately Sin ate the reward money, and most of the population. Now battle Sin! I don't feel good. I've been eating nothing but cheetos since I started playing yesterday. Brb! ... ... (puke!) ... (belch)
Ok. I'm back! The end of the game is a real let down. You're forced to kill Sin. Before that you must kill all your summons! I hope you didn't collect any, and didn't max out their levels, stats. Otherwise this will take a while. The truth is revealed inside Sin. Squall discovers he's dead, a ghost, zombie, something stupid. In fact he's been dead since his fall in the Blitzball stadium. When Sin first invaded. It kind of makes sense. I was wondering how the hell he traveled through time. Ghosts make sense. Hold on...
Hawking said time travel forward is possible, and ghosts aren't real. Fuck you sir! My echo chamber is 12 feet thick! Onto the -final- dialog.
Yuna, "No Squall! You can't go!"
Squall, "Sorry Yuna. I was mean to everyone. But now I know why. I was undead. Undead always hate Wakka."
Wakka, "Hey!"
Squall, "I don't recall your brother helping us!"
Auron, "Amen kid. Now give me a drink... I want to drink until I see God."
You oblige his request. Auron drinks Listerine.
Auron, "Good bye you losers. I hope you all fall on a rusty, jagged mail box, and impale yourselves on them. Then I want..."
He dies from Alcohol poisoning. Exit Auron. He will be missed.
Squall, "You just promise to keep whistling, Yuna."
Yuna, "Why?"
Squall, "So I can claim control over your pathetic future, with continued reminders that you lost me."
Yuna, "Squall have sex with me before you go."
Squall, "I can't. I'm dead. Besides who sleeps with dead guys?" (Indigo Prophecy)
Lulu, "Stupid. Everyone is stupid, and you make me feel awful. I hate everyone."
Wakka, "We should get married Lulu."
Lulu, "Why?"
Wakka, "You slept with my brother."
Lulu, "Oh yeah. But I get to stay the goth chick."
Wakka whispers, "In 10 years I'll have a new Blitzball player."
Lulu, "Did you say something?"
Wakka, "Let's hear from Simba."
Simba, "Kimari will miss you, Squall. Kimari don't want name of lion king."
Squall, "Too bad! You're keeping it!"
Lulu, "Stupid."
Squall, "It won't be bad in hell. I'll be fighting Seymour for eternity. Promise me you'll come to hell when you die."
Yuna, "Ok..."
Squall, "Yuna, my dad is calling me. My dad will beat me for a decade or two then Seymour will roast my nuts over the fire for a few thousand years."
Yuna, "What did you do to go to hell? Oh right. A human being shouldn't defile a church like that. Especially what you did to that poor blind man."
Lulu, "Stupid"
Wakka, "Yaa{?}"
Squall jumps into a glowing portal. He passes by all the people important in his life. The pizza delivery guy, that one guy who sold him porn, and a Blitzball.
The game ends with Yuna giving a boring speech! Yuna is boring. Here's where you're rewarded for all your hard hours playing the game. By not being able to start over with the stats from the previous game. New game plus? This isn't Chrono Trigger! Can anyone say waste of -time-?
