I spent two days preparing for tomorrow's lecture for our biblical counseling class. How I wish that my students, too, would spend time reading and studying the material.
Two students are assigned to report on Part 1, Chapter 3, Why Biblical Counseling and Not Psychology? After their report, we will discuss our fourth topic. It is about Developing a Helping Relationship with Counselees.
Wayne Mack started the chapter with an unfortunate counseling session because of the counselor’s failure to be involved in the struggles of his counselee. Even though the counselor gives sound advice and all his words are accurate and true, the counseling failed because the counselor took “the auto mechanic approach” (p. 136). The counselor sees his counselee as a machine instead of a whole person. To correct this anomaly, Wayne Mack recommends counselors to become “person-oriented,” instead of “problem-oriented” (ibid.).
The question is how to shift from a problem-oriented approach to a person-oriented approach in counseling? The answer lies in the involvement of the counselor with the counselee as a whole person. The reason why the counseling failed in the above story is that the counselor took for granted the task of involvement in the life of his counselee. Without such involvement, the counselee saw the counselor as an enemy instead of an ally. No matter how truthful and precise the counselor’s words are, if involvement is missing, the advice will not be received and will not achieve the intended end.
It is a common human experience that we tend to listen to someone who is concerned for our well-being. If we are assured that the given advice is for our good, we are inclined to listen and accept it.
In the 8th chapter of the book, Wayne Mack shared three ways counselors can develop involvement with counselees. Such an involvement must be based on compassion, respect, and sincerity.
The first way is involvement through compassion. Here, Wayne Mack shared two biblical examples of compassion and the practical steps to develop such compassion. He cited Jesus and the apostle Paul.
Jesus is considered the greatest counselor of all time. In Isaiah 9:6, “Wonderful Counselor” is one of His names. And one of the keys to the success of His counseling ministry is His compassion for people (Matthew 9:36; Mark 3:1-5; Luke 7:11-15; 19:41; John 11:33-35).
The same thing with the apostle Paul. Many think of the apostle Paul as an uncompromising theologian and apologist. They overlook the fact that the apostle is a compassionate man (Acts 20:31; Romans 9:1-3; 2 Corinthians 2:4; 11:28-29; 1 Thessalonians 2:7-8).
As a counselor, how can we develop compassion for people? Wayne Mack gave us at least four ways to develop compassion. One, “Think about how you would feel if you were in the counselee’s position” (p. 139). Wayne Mack elaborates this “that Jesus looked thoughtfully at others who were experiencing difficulty; He put Himself in their place and intentionally tried to feel what they were feeling” (p. 140).
Two, “Think of the counselee as a family member” (ibid.). The apostle Paul gave us advice on how to counsel people in 1 Timothy 5:1–2. We should treat them as we treat our close relatives. Imagine how you talk to your parents. That’s how you should talk to your counselees. Wayne Mack adds, “In reality, our counselees are our spiritual brothers and sisters, and our heavenly Father demands that they be treated as such” (ibid.).
Three, “Think about your own sinfulness” (ibid.). Again, the apostle Paul gave us guidance related to this in Galatians 6:1. To protect ourselves from the temptation of becoming self-righteous, we should be mindful that “we are not immune to sin ourselves” (p. 141).
The fourth way contains a list of practical steps to show compassion to your counselees. The author reminds us that “compassion is not so much an emotion as it is a choice of the will” (ibid.). This means that even though we don’t feel compassionate toward our counselees, we still have to decide to be compassionate. What follows is a set of questions for the counselor to determine whether he is demonstrating compassion toward his counselee or not:
- Have you told your counselees that you care for them? (Phil. 1:8).
- Have you prayed for them and with them? (Col. 4:12–13).
- Have you rejoiced and grieved with them? (Rom. 12:15).
- Have you dealt with them gently and tenderly? (Matt. 12:20).
- Have you been tactful with them? (Prov. 15:23).
- Have you spoken graciously to them? (Col. 4:6).
- Have you continued to love and accept them even when they have rejected your counsel? (Mark 10:21).
- Have you defended them against those who mistreat and accuse them? (Matt. 12:1–7).
- Have you forgiven them for any wrong they have done to you? (Matt. 18:21–22).
- Have you been willing to meet their physical needs if necessary? (1 John 3:17). (ibid.).
Respect is another important way to involve ourselves in the lives of our counselees. When the counselee observes that you disrespected him or her in any other way, the counseling relationship will certainly deteriorate. Again, Wayne Mack provides counselors with seven practical steps to show respect to counselees.
First, “Use proper verbal communication” (p. 142). Rude or harsh words have no place in counseling. Counselors “can show respect both in the way we talk to our counselees and in the way we talk about them” (ibid.).
Second, respect is also demonstrated through nonverbal communication. This has something to do with the way our body communicates as we talk to our counselees. Wayne Mack devised the acronym SOLVER for counselors to easily remember nonverbal ways to show respect:
S – squared shoulders.
O – open stance.
L – lean forward slightly.
V – vocal quality.
E – eye contact.
R – relational posture.
Facing a counselee with squared shoulders indicates alertness and attention. An open stance means hands and shoulders are relaxed, sending a message to a counselee that you are willing to listen. Leaning forward slightly means that you are showing interest in what your counselee is saying. The tone of your voice must always reflect concern and empathy rather than irritability. Eye contact is necessary in counseling, but not to the point that it will make the counselee feel uneasy. A relational posture avoids both the impression that you are indifferent and mechanistic at the same time.
The third way to show respect is by taking the problem of your counselee seriously. Don’t underestimate the problem of your counselee. It may be a simple matter to you, but something serious to your counselee. If the matter is insignificant in their view, they will not approach you for counseling.
Trust your counselees. This is the fourth way to show respect. As a biblical counselor, you cannot adopt the cynical approach even though you think your counselee is insincere in his motives. Not unless you have facts to prove your suspicion.
Closely related to the above is expressing confidence in your counselee. No matter how many shortcomings your counselee has, if he is really a Christian, you have all the reasons to believe that God will use you as an instrument for your counselee’s repentance and growth. In the Bible, we have the example of the Corinthian church, which is a very problematic church, and yet the apostle Paul expressed confidence in them (2 Corinthians 7:16).
“Welcome the counselee’s input” (p. 145). This is to demonstrate your openness to improve as a counselor. It is not an accident that God has brought you together in a counseling session. God is using both of you to improve each other’s lives. By communicating such an attitude, you are modeling the godly response that you want to see in your counselee’s life.
Lastly, which I find very challenging to keep, is showing respect by maintaining biblical confidentiality. This is a must for trust to develop between the counselor and their counselee. However, biblical confidentiality does not mean absolute confidentiality. There are cases like what Jesus said in Matthew 18:16-17, where witnesses are needed.
In addition to compassion and respect, the third and last area of involvement is through sincerity. The counselor must not have any “hidden agendas or disguised motives” (p. 146) in counseling. Here, relying on biblical guidance, Wayne Mack shared four methods to demonstrate honesty.
First, “Be honest about your qualifications” (ibid.). This method is related to the counselor’s credentials. The warning is not to exaggerate our qualifications or deceive our counselees as to our qualifications.
Second, “Be honest about your own weaknesses” (p. 147). In counseling, there is a place for “self-disclosure.” Being open about personal problems and struggles is proven to be an effective way to demonstrate sincerity. However, the counselor must not overexpose himself, giving the impression to his counselee that he needs counseling more than his counselee.
Third, “Be honest about your goals and agenda” (ibid.). From the outset, the counselor must clarify with their counselee the goal and the method in counseling. If the counselee is looking for a different approach, you can advise him to look for another counselor. However, as a biblical counselor, you cannot compromise the word of God as the source of authority in your advice. You are confident that since God created man, no one is wiser than Him to know why the counselee is suffering and what to do about it. Wayne Mack mentioned specifically that “Any type of reverse psychology” (p. 148) is unacceptable for a biblical counselor.
Lastly, the counselor must be honest about his limitations. A biblical counselor must not presume that he knows everything about the problem of his counselee. He also must admit if, in any case, he encounters difficulty in dealing with the problem. In such a case, time is needed for further reflection to know more about the problem. An extended meeting would be necessary until the problem has been sufficiently dealt with.
The chapter ends with a letter to illustrate the kind of qualities a counselee is looking for from his counselor. The concern is not so much about the content but about the credibility of the counselor. A list of qualities identified in the chapter can also be discerned from the letter, such as trusting the counselee, commitment of the counselor for a long process of change, compassion, feeling accepted, and graciously telling the hard truth.
It is true that sometimes “God can draw a straight line using a crooked stick.” However, the usual way of God in changing people’s lives is not through flawed characters, but through counselors who develop a relationship of concern and trust with their counselees. The ideal is that biblical counselors will wrap the content of counseling “in a package of compassion, respect, and honesty” (p. 150).
Reference:
MacArthur, John. (2005). Counseling: How to Counsel Biblically. Nashville, Tennessee: Nelson Reference & Electronic.
