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"Abandonment is one of the most common causes of ill-being and the evil of living. "This is the observation made by Daniel Dufour, a doctor and facilitator of personal development courses. At the origin of this suffering, which he calls "abandonment", "there is always a badly lived situation during fetal life, early childhood or childhood, which is not necessarily an actual abandonment. Here he is an absent father; a mother-in-law, a couple of fused parents, or the arrival of a young child, a stay in a pension, the death of a grandfather to whom we were particularly attached.
Trauma often minimized
These events, without major consequences for some, will be traumatic for others. Why are we not equal before punishment? "Each of us has experienced separation," explains psychotherapist Catherine Audibert. We realized, often very early, that papa and mamma were not always there, at our disposal, ready to answer all our desires. But we have not experienced this new solitude in the same way. Either those around us perceived, taken into account and attenuated our childish fears ?; either for educational, moral reasons, lack of time or a just understanding, they did not value our anxieties. And have strengthened them. They did not need to. They simply did not teach us to part with confidence and serenity. No doubt because they themselves lived ill on their side. "
A fear: rejected again
TO DISCOVER
Do you find yourself alone scaring you? Why ? Take our test: How do you live the abandonment?
This traumatic episode, we quickly forget, minimizing or normalizing it. What could be more "normal", in fact, than a new little brother? And more formidable than parents who adore themselves? The sorrow and the anger experienced are at the same time thrown into oblivion. "From the moment when there is no logic to experiencing these emotions, it remains only to deny our right to feel them," notes Daniel Dufour. Except that, even stifled, emotion remains present. "On the surface, reasoning, our education lead us to think that all this is only the past and must be forgotten. But inside, it "bout". "
Our implacable logic concludes that since we have been abandoned, we are not worthy of being loved. This belief will underpin all our social and emotional relationships. "We will thus oscillate between hypersociability and hyper aggressiveness, depending on whether we feel the visceral need to be loved or that we want to provoke the rejection of the other, convinced that we will inevitably have to endure it one day. A vicious circle, which leads us to paradoxical behavior. Like John (1), 45, who multiplies efforts to be valued for all his company, but sacrifices his privacy. Like Giselle, 20, who constantly opposes her parents but only dreams of being loved by them. Or like Gilles, 12 years old, a reserved little boy who does everything he can to avoid disturbing, to thwart his family and forget himself. At the heart of the pain of one and the other, a fear: that of being rejected. And abandoned again.
An inability to live as a couple
There is an area where the wound will become even more sensitive: love. "The couple is often the place where we settle our accounts with our childhood," says Catherine Audibert (read sidebar). And we project on the other the anxieties of the past. "Pierre, 45, lives in fear that his wife will leave him but collects adventures" in case ". Ange, 33 years old, dreams of a relationship in the short court but flees the commitment, certain not to be up to the challenge. André, 27, can not stand the fact that his companion concedes qualities to her, and tries to prove to him that he is the worst person a woman can love. "This suffering has two sides," explains Daniel Dufour. On the one hand, the feeling of not matching what our partner expects ?; on the other, the certainty that the rupture is inevitable. And this one, when it occurs, appears as a new proof that we are not amiable. "
What to do with luggage so heavy to wear? In order to measure her own degree of "abandonment" and to try to calm down, the clinical psychologist Andréa Filia proposes a test and advice. To forgive one day for having been forsaken, and deserve to be loved today.
(1). All the examples quoted are from the work of Daniel Dufour.
Teach children how to separate
The temptation is great to preserve at all costs our children from "abandonment". But be careful not to fall into the opposite excess. According to Catherine Audibert, everything is about balance. "It's actually teaching the child to separate in a calm and confident manner. If to emancipate it before it is capable is dangerous, the overprotection will lead to the same abandoned problematic. From a young age, it is wise to leave him little moments, even if he is bored, so that he can discover himself, develop his creativity and curiosity. We tend to over-invest the child, to want to occupy him permanently, to explain to him
ceaselessly what is happening around him. We sometimes forget that he is quite capable of making his own experiments. And learn to manage solitude and our absence.
