(oh, you wanted funny bedtime stories ? all i have is half-life, SORRY SHINEYBOY)
oh ...ps: i just made my appointment with shrink-san ... march 9th first opening ... looks like mental health is going well in Hellgium and bussiness is booming (hahah- hah - haa ... flat apathic naughter)
blablabla bleb, and SMILE, TEAM ! up yo mommas ass, guess i'll have lots of time to clickers then
and "learn a new language ... " python or ruby ? o you meant italian did you , nah i think we're all fine speaking english, they dont learn dutch either but im not sure if these pills are meant to keep my head working, i think they're meant to normalize it so my thoughts run in straight lines from a to b, indifferent to the performance of robotic repetitive tasks, zero creativity required,
in other words braindead ... i'm not sure thats gonna work out well without sedation but i guess we'll see, im not a doc and im not a shrink since
o yea ... no one would give me "a job" when i needed it to pay for THAT degree, well
bitter you say ? this is HATE, darling, pure, unadulterated vitriol, stick your shiney happy and your team UP YOUR FUCKING ASS, i guess i'll stick to re-steeming for the next few months
probably get crushed by whale content dictators for the fourth or is it fifth time AGAIN cos THEY decide whats steemian or not
and you can watch me not give one flying, sitting or standing fuck, its not about what YOU want, its about what comes out of my head, i dont suck dick for likes and i dont force anyone to read it, the mute button is on the top right somewhere i think
im gonna
lay on the floor and click mouse for five hours now, now i dont need your sympathy, im already nauseous , thanks
I think i have developed a severe case of apathitis zee ... the place finally warped my head albeit not the way it wanted.
I guess that's what you get when you'd let a nazi butcher perform psychic brainsurgery with a blunt rusty hacksaw on an alien from beyond the void.
I find myself void of giveafuck, i asked around if anybody seen it ... to no avail . Maybe they broke it, like they've been trying to break me, but i don't break, i twist and now i am
detached ?
So now what?
i unsubscribed from the state so they cant bother me (technically) cos i cant stand it, which means im without income since then which will probably feel itself next month.
So now what ?
Well ...
ah yes, i also need those meds ofcourse and ive been taking sleeping pills, im always tired i sleep twice a day but if i dont then the house wakes me up after 30 minutes and im nil for the next 24 hours
oh well, lets try this,
whats that, an activator ?
yes
yea, i remember my ex had to take those
on top of the other 13 pills daily, all that temesta, neuroleptics and then all that stuff to set your system right because of the chemical imbalance left her just sitting, so they popped that on top of it
But im already just sitting , i first noticed i hadnt gone to a concert in a long long time, then i noticed i hadnt even been checking ... then i found myself not listening to music , then i thought omg this has been months ... theres a hole in my soul ... i find myself not even coding to keep brainrot away,
i wouldnt render a cube in blender
So ... do you have "angst" ? angst ?
angst? (yes its dutch for fear too)
for what ? im afraid of losing my cat ... i fear
i fear my last bit of caring is comprised in a furball on paws, resonating at the very frequency of creation,
healing
like Freud said :" time spent with cats is never wasted"
No no, fear, angst of being with humans, you say you dont go out
OH NO, thats not angst
thats DISGUST, i dont WANT to be in the middle of that although
sunday at my aunts birthday it felt different but thats people i have known since kid and have always gotten along with EXTREMELY well, people who never judged me, something parents should try to a kid, but
TOO LATE as they keep telling me, i reversed that btw ... my broken giveafuck told me to just say
"you're right"
its TOO LATE, IM TOO OLD,
so that means i cant change anymore ... and that means i shouldnt bother since i cant get what i would have had without this place ruining my life anyway
ah i see, so maybe we can try giving you some antidepressants ( as expected)
and then what?
i go back to the state of nanny and tell them HOLD ON, im being activated (people who tried to 'activate' me before (thats what they call it) always made my life a lot worse)
after all im not normal ... as a kid OO you're SO smart, you're this you're that ... then as a teenager OMG you're the worst, unhandlable, cant stand authority
why ? cos i question orders given to be obeyed without question ? cos i dont see the point in 90% of social tradition ?
i can 'play' that but the longer i live the less i wanna PRETEND
i would have been living on the other side of the planet but im here
i never say coulda cos its woulda , i give that 99% certainty
but thats not how its done
so activation huh ? thats like medical speed then ... stop the sleeping pills and cut down on the rest (but i cant sleep well) and get some pep
made me think of a guy back in the "good old days" when my own parents kicked me out and three years later i had to do six months
cos i made do instead of begging
beggings not my style
the guy did speed ... he was very activated but alas he found himself that night in the very same 2 by 3 little room
which is a VERY small space if you're bouncing off the walls at 1000 thoughts per second
SO
i wonder what that will feel like ? like some superimposed jekyll on my superdetached me ? trying to normalize ?
normalize me ? that means trying to destroy my personality and my thought patterns which dont go from a to b but act in multiple dimensions
looks like chaos to most but works for me
i'll still be in this place, a place i hate for 30 years ... but okay
doctors orders ... and call that shrink for an appointment ... maybe he can help you further
yes, he can give me some zombie pills so i just sit on the couch drooling, someone can wipe my face off every hour and im no bother
i wonder how im a bother now since i dont go anywhere but im probably "enjoying life as a freeloader"
sitting in that room all day and night
no i am not socially awkward ... but all my smiles have been fake for years
xept maybe last sunday yes, granted but thats an occasion, you cant expect people just to flock together after a decade cos they met up for the occasion besides
everyone has lives, lives that dont include me, i certainly wouldnt want to impose on the girls i consider my little sisters (even thought one of them is six months older)
it wouldnt feel right and it wouldnt help anyone
SO YEA SURE, lets get activated, maybe im running around with a broom in one hand and a phone in the other selling subscriptions 20 hours a day by next month ...
but i look outside my window, i see where i am
if it doesnt get me where i need to be before its too late, i dont think anything can help so
maybe the heads on pikes of the people responsible
meagre consolation but it would give me something to talk to
HAHAHAHA mad laughter
now i truly am detached, so now what ?
poke me a little more ?
be careful
the tigers had the key all this time, the door of the cage is unlocked
i didnt ask for this, i was doing just fine, whoever got that passport here is responsible and knows whoever knew about it and whoever stood by and said nothing
all of them FATWAH AND VENDETTA but im gonna have to find an imam to pronounce the first one cos im not a muslim
anyway ...
ALL FUN AND GAMES
actually not even that, i lie on the floor clicking time clickers and crusaders of idols .... four hours straight then go back to bed, i havent really "gamed"in over a year (or is that two, ? time is a bit unhinged in this place)
yes, the problem, as usual i cant be boxed and simplified ... i'm not suicidal ... i dont have a drug problem, i quit smoking two years ago, and i actually barely drink anymore (to belgian standards i suppose), not even every week
... maybe thats the problem, when i didnt look at nuttin there was women and wine and life all around ?
but im no longer he, just im no longer the shy a-grade kid just im no longer that smokey guy sitting at the computer knitting beats ... you killed all of them
cos thats not how its done (en dat was niet masjen met de annen op de tannen als een echte moun)
thats the problem isnt it ? no clear dsm entry so i can be classified ,
i just don't give a fuck
anymore (is eminem gonna sue me now?)
cos it pushed too far for too long trying to make me something i can never be
: YOU
SO NOW WHAT?
(o yea, and don't forget team : ALWAYS KEEP SMILING ! and take it up the ass and ask HOW DEEP DO YOU WANT THAT, SIR PLEASE?)
botch this joint, i had to mail my niece i fucking almost forgot
ah yea i did, ... considering the total rape of privacy since i got stuck here im sure it is ... the pictures in the mail, no pgp (i dont even think those people would know what pgp encryption is) ...
one in the social office, working anything from papers for the asgoodas illiterate in the bureaucratic maze over future rehabilitation to parole advice ? one on an executive management seat in another "facility" , one for the justice department ...
that explains why i got out on 1/3d , right ? i guess im as good as an undercover narc now LOL ...
yea well, in which case id be sitting here in my room waiting for the holy state of belgium to call upon my services ...
its family, they dont judge me
only inbreed retards do and precious, spare me the attempts, i simply,
truly
and really do not care anymore
