Hi anak,
I just want to say something to you, from Mama's heart.
Every day when I wake up and see you, I tell myself, I will try my best today for Apphia. I know I’m not perfect. I get tired. Sometimes I make mistakes. Sometimes I get mad. But I want you to know, I always try. Because I love you so, so much.
Before you came into my life, I thought I would never be a mother. I was diagnosed with PCOS, and the doctors told me it would be very hard—almost impossible—for me to get pregnant. I cried many nights, feeling hopeless, thinking maybe I would never hold my own child in my arms. But then God surprised me with you.
You came when I already started losing hope. And that’s why you’re not just my daughter—you are my miracle, my blessing, my answered prayer.
When you were born, I already admired you. You were so small, so delicate. I was nervous to hold you at first, but when I did, I didn’t want to let go. I just stared at you for hours. And I laughed, because you had your Papa’s nose—so flat! Haha. I said, “Ay naku, kamukha ng Papa pati ilong!” But even with that nose, anak, you were perfect to me. My heart was so full.
There are times I feel guilty, anak. Guilty that I’m not rich. That I can’t give you everything you want. I wish I could bring you to nice places, buy you toys and clothes, give you a better life. And when I can’t, it hurts me. I cry quietly sometimes, feeling like I failed you.
But I give you all I have—my love, my time, my care, my whole heart. I give you all of me, because you deserve nothing less.
There are also days when I feel guilty for something even heavier… the days I get mad at you. When I raise my voice, or scold you, or punish you. Sometimes I do it because I want you to grow up with good values, but afterwards, I feel so bad. I sit beside you while you’re sleeping, and I just look at your little face. You look so peaceful, and I feel like the worst mother in the world.
I stare at you and I whisper, I’m sorry, anak. I’m sorry if I was too harsh. I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings. I’m sorry if I didn’t handle it better. I want you to know, I never stop loving you—even in those moments. I’m just learning too. But I will always try to do better—for you.
Then, there are those moments—small but powerful—when you remind me of who I am to you. Like when someone takes your toy, or when you feel something is unfair… you always come to me and say, “Away.”
Just one word. But I know what it means.
It means, “Mama, defend me. Fight for me.” And every time you say that, it touches my heart. Because in your eyes, I’m your safe place. I’m your protector. And that makes me feel like a real mother—your hero. And I promise you, anak, I will always protect you. Always be here to comfort you, and always be on your side.
You know what else makes me proud? You got your talent from both me and your Papa. You love the drums so much—you grab the drumsticks and start smacking the drums like you’re already on stage! That came from Papa. But you also got Mama’s voice. You love to sing, anak. Even when you were just 1 year old, you already knew how to hold the microphone—and you would sing on it like it was the most natural thing in the world. You already had the confidence, the charm, and the sweetness. You sing so well, and it melts my heart every time. I see myself in you when you sing, and I know you are going to shine in your own beautiful way.
And anak, please don’t ever forget this—you are precious. Not just to me, but to everyone around you. You are loved. Your smile brings light. Your laugh brings joy. So many people care about you, believe in you, and are happy just to know you. You are not alone, and you are never unloved.
Apphia, you are my light. My reason. You gave me strength I didn’t know I had. Even when I’m tired or struggling, I look at you and find the strength to keep going.
I may not have everything. I may not be perfect. But I will always love you deeply. I will always try my very best for you.
One day, when you grow up, I hope you remember Mama not for the times I failed—but for the way I always loved you. The way I tried. The way I stayed. The way I gave everything I had for you.
I love you so much, Apphia. Always. Forever.
Love,
Mama