Its disappointing how common this sort of story is.

I was just having a conversation with a friend of mine about this because he is a peer of mine, and is in a very similar position.

The mother doesn't respond to requests for equality or negotiations, because she has all of the power in the relationship dynamic.

The reasons she has all of the power in the relationship dynamic are multiple, and they are from inside and outside of the relationship context. Some are just plain biological.

The tits are job one.

Basically.

The emotional bonding and such that happens during breastfeeding is so critical, and the only way to truly pacify the kid during the early years is to be on the breast, or asleep.

As soon as the courts got involved, I was just fucked.

I got high, and didn't even show up to the proceedings, because I was philosophically against having a court tell me that I could or could not qualify to be a dad.

After that, it's pretty much just a steady story of my expectations and our agreements not being fulfilled -- and my getting angry about it, which in turn led to me shouting and being upset -- which in turn led to her being defensive, and protective, and others being defensive and protective of her -- and speculating about how bad I was for our daughter.

Then the story is about how angry I am, and how bad of a dad I am, when the initial complaints / concerns / conflicts that led toward the anger are never resolved.

Because fundamentally, all power is aligned in her court.

I didn't have the composure needed to weather out the storm -- and I suspect it's because on a certain level she actually doesn't want me around in her life, because then she doesn't have to be held accountable to a partner, or accomodate my family's presence in our daughter's life etc.

If I had been more of a conventional breadwinner, or a less ideologically independent person, or an outstanding buddhist, or perhaps willing to go through the court systems early -- I would have been better off.

But that's not really me.

I was more into this idea of equally empowered autonomy.

But the power division was already in her favor, so she would have to give up power in order to accomodate my presence as a father -- and her psychological defense mechanism against releasing that power is some mixture of love for our daughter, and some 'protective motherly instinct', and scorn, and a fierce independent streak of her own.

So, when we conflict [engage] - I just bounce around between those areas trying to find a point of entry, but there are none except formal legalism, and I am a homeless pornographer who lives in a van and is behind in child support, and hasn't seen my daughter for 3 years.

So, Regardless of what happened in those three years, or before, or what she may or may not have agreed to, -- etc. It won't matter to the courts.

There's no victory for me right now.

.:.

It's kind of like I have the same idea about riots.

It's not wise to go against an enemy that is fortified and has a power dynamic that is so strong in opposition to your own.

The only way to win a battle like that is to hang the tyrant from the flagpole.

And that level of escalation is out of the question. So we have a social situation, where women truly are in power within the domestic sphere, unless they are being financially dominated // fulfilled by their male counterparts.

The "Man of the House" trope.

I have no desire to be the Man of that house in particular, nor do I have a desire to work an unfulfilling life, or be a subservient, conflict ridden mouse.

It's been difficult figuring out how to balance that with my desire for the well being of my daughter, and my desires for her life.

It has dramatically changed how I see relationships, and women, and sex, and fatherhood, and society.

.:.

Enlightened Self Interest is the only real guiding personal philosophy that has made much sense after that.

My strongest regret is the lack of psychological validation and emotional // foundational support that I'll be able to offer my daughter.

So, I'm just assuming that the best course of action for me is to provide that to her through small ways, and make room for a relationship as an adult.

It feels like a broken societal power dynamic, but realistically, men are disposable sperm donors, day laborers, and cannon fodder.

.:.

I'm also super not into Femdom now. It grosses me out. I don't really understand women, but I don't have to -- I just have to live in a way that I'm comfortable with.and own my own behavior, -- that's the sort of walk away point that I've found.