MIDWESTERN YANKEE IN THE SOUTH
rogerdeaton (33) in all • 21 days ago
Christmas' start was a bit rocky. I was just about finished with the morning constitutional when I saw we were out of toilet paper. Drats! I delicately head out doing the open face squat trot to the closet in the hall where my wife insists we store the stuff. In route I trip over the box fan cord which crashes along behind me. Double drats!! I did say something like that. By now the dogs are barking and my wife is awake wondering what is going on. "Never mind go back to sleep!" I open the closet..."You got to be kidding," I yell, "We're out of toilet paper!" Candy, my wife, hollers back, "No we're not. I bought some yesterday; it's still out in the car." Jumpin’ Jehoshaphat and I start into my Yosemite Sam imitation. I'm even walking like him too. "I hates rabbits! So I continue on walking like I have got a pair of six guns and spurs through the house, out to the garage, down the steps, around the obstacles. I peak in the car window. Hallelujah! There she is. I grab the door handle... IT'S LOCKED!!!! No pants, no pockets, no keys, I shook the whole car. That's it! I got to find something before I go any farther. On the workbench I see, steel wool (NO), sandpaper (NO NO), greasy rags and plastic bags. Yup that'll do. I showered with some engine degreaser this morning. Candy, just got up and very lovingly, brought me my first cup of coffee. She looked like an Angel! She says, "You look rough, like a cartoon character, I can't think of his name...
"I hates rabbits!"
DYUNTDEMDOWLGS?
rogerdeaton (33) in funny • 19 days ago
Candy and I took our yellow and chocolate Labs, Sunshine and Moonshine to the Veterinarian. They burst through the door, hit the linoleum and it was noses, butts and tails scattered everywhere. In the waiting room. There sits an old man. He sports, bib overalls, flannel shirt and a John Deere ball hat that looks older than him. He is amused by their names and spirit. He asks Candy, "Dyuntdemdolwgs?" Candy looks at me and I look back with a blank expression. She, not wanting to be rude, leans forward as if she did not hear. "Dyuntdemdowlgs?" he says again a little louder. She again looks at me. I shrug his shoulders. The old man realizes at this point that "we ain't from around here". We might be either furiners, aliens, or maybe even worse, Yankees. His irritation is beginning to show. He asks again, "Do ... Y'all ...Hunt ...dem ... Dowlgs?" Candy, "Oh I'm sorry, No we don't have to hunt them. They pretty much come when their called." The old man's eyes glazed over. "Honey" I said, "He wants to know if we use them for hunting." "Oh no, we aren't hunters, we're gardeners, but the dogs would be good hunters because I hide treats for them when we go away and they always find them. Well, except for the one time we hid them in the trash can, which is odd because they always are pulling things out of the trash can." The old man sat back, crossed his arms and smiled.
THE CALVARY TO THE RESCUE
rogerdeaton (33) in funny • 19 days ago
Being a hero is not easy. A few months ago I was beat up, scraped up, & cut up, and that's only after Candy got through with me. My poor wife gallantly held up shelves full of home canned goods for 10 minutes before they started crashing to the floor while I afternoon napped on the couch. She says she screamed, "Fire, rape, murder, oh God someone please help! Moonshine go get Roger!" I never heard her screaming for help, but our dog Moonshine (Lassie)came running to the rescue and woke me up by jumping on my male genitalia, all 75lbs with toenails. I limped as fast as I could down the hall to the commotion. There she was on a step stool, trying to keep the sky from falling, as one by one, glass Mason jars were dropping to the floor bursting like water balloons around her scattering shards of glass and applesauce on everything. I didn't know if I should laugh, cry or run. She couldn't hold on much longer. Her screaming became frantic as I insisted I put shoes on before I waded into the glass infested muck. Of course, that took a minute. While I felt much like the cavalry coming to the rescue led by Rin Tin Tin, what she saw was General Custer on his way to The Little Big Horn and she felt that the best thing to come from all this was the way the dog woke me up. The shelves were in our carpeted walk in closet. You see, I had just installed them for her to rearrange our overflowing pantry. I then consumed a couple beers and rewarded myself with an afternoon nap. We shoveled up the goo as best we could. All but a few clothes needed to be washed and the carpet needed shampooed. Most of the glass was cleared, but any barefoot walk would help us find more for days to come. The dog got a bone, I got some aspirin, and Candy gets gets my love, affection and respect. I think maybe the dog got the best of this deal. We only lost about 15 quarts of pears, and applesauce of my poor darlings hard work. God still blesses us and there is a lesson to be learned here. Candy says the lesson was to take a carpentry class. Ouch! The carpet is still sticky and I redid the shelves.20171226_174515[1].jpg DSCN1593.JPG
MONEY LAUNDERING
rogerdeaton (33) in funny • 10 days ago
I was paid mostly in one dollar bills from the Friday gig. This made a stack of money almost two inches thick. So we went Saturday morning shopping at the hardware store to thin out the wallet. My wife said she wanted to look around while I checked out. I think she was a bit embarrassed by all those one dollar bills. There was a young lady at the counter . I pulled out this wad of cash that looked like thousands of dollars and started to pay counting one by one. "Wow, where did you get so many one dollar bills at?" she asked. "My wife is an exotic dancer and she did pretty good last night." I answered. She gave me a "Deer in the headlights stare". I felt a tap on my shoulder. "Oh Hi Honey." The clerk asked her," Are you going to kill him here or wait till you get him home?" I jumped in with"Don't be mad Sugar, she doesn't go to our Church, so your secret is safe." Then I told the clerk, "She might look a little rough now, but you put a little makeup on her and stick her on a pole ..." I winked and gave a thumbs up. My wife says, " I'll wait till I get him home. It might take a while because I'm going to kill him REAL slow."
HEARTBREAK HOTEL
rogerdeaton (33) in funny • 10 days ago
I was at the grocery checking out when the manger noticed my bright Dashiki. He called to me from the center island. "I like that Dashiki, where did you get it it?" "I got it from the Hotline" , I answered. he asked what was the Hotline. I told him it was a thrift store to benefit the battered women's shelter. I hollered across the room, "I shop there a lot because I want my wife to have a nice place to stay if she doesn't start doing the dishes!" His eyes got big as his face looked worried. I glanced behind me and there were about 8 - 10 women standing in line to check out. No sir, I don't believe a one of them had a sense of humor. In fact I could feel the daggers hitting me in the back. Fortunately there was a young fellow standing directly behind me, the only other man in line. He was desperately trying not to laugh. I looked back at the line of women, "It was a joke!" I explained. No one smiled except the poor fellow behind me. I looked at him and said, "I thought it was funny." as I shrugged my shoulders. I could read the man's mind and his thoughts were the same as mine. Get your groceries and RUN! "Hold 'em off as long as you can" I said under my breath. He was struggling not to explode into laughter and the rest of the line was about to explode period. Of course to top it off I was in the 12 item express lane with 14 items. Every woman in line was counting the "blips" from the scanner. I tried to make a quick getaway, but the cart had the one bad wheel that wobbled and squeaked. I jumped in my wife's car with the pink eyelashes and sped away. I'll not be shopping in that grocery for a while and I might have to bury that Dashiki. 12961395_10207639624582253_1495478981669818346_o (1).jpg
