'Mate, your profile isn't doing you any favors.' I'm replying to Spud via Messenger, who has responded to my feeler post for renting the house out next year.

"What do you mean?' he says. I wait. I'm replying to a LOT of people. The rental crisis is real.

The ad reads:

We're hoping to rent out our house to the right people next year whilst we travel overseas, six months minimum, possibly one year or longer. It's on 5 acres with a large garden and would suit someone who enjoys nature and gardening with space for chickens and a vegetable garden for you to use. There is no fencing for larger animals but dogs are okay. It would suit someone who wanted to give rural living a go or is maybe building out here and needs a tide over rental. It's a lovely place to live with a walking track into town and lots of birds. We are hoping that whoever rents it can maintain the garden to a reasonable standard in return for reasonable rent. One large master bedroom and ensuite, two smaller rooms at the end and open plan in middle. Please DM if you think this is your thing - available from mid Feb but can possibly vacate earlier if that suits you.

I have already received nearly sixty replies. Spud is second. His message is short, saying simply 'yeah I'm keen'. I check his profile. He's already moved to the bottom of the short list in my mind because his name is Spud and he can't be bothered to tell me anything about himself.

I prioritize people who send me messages that are detailed introductions. Like this one. I like her. I remember being a single Mum.

Hi, are you open to single Mums? I’m not an expert gardener but would be happy to maintain. I grew up on a farm, my mum is an awesome gardener (fruit, veggies, flowers) so I can go to her for advice. I have travelled a bit and worked in communities helping with seed saving and preparing/ caring for compost and looking after soil. All very amateur but I am interested and I am home 5 days a week, two days working per week either from home and occasionally in the office. I normally work one day a month in the office in Melbourne.

We have a lengthy conversation and gel. She's on the shortlist. Even better is Helen, who, after a long chat, seems too perfect.

Hi! I’m a single 54 year old woman Art teacher/artist/yoga teacher with an excellent rental history. I’m a non smoker, vegetarian, very reliable and I have excellent references. I used to live on quarter of an acre and manage the lawns, veg garden and small orchard alone, If you would like to chat further I can text you my mobile number?

Dream, right? There's a woman with four dogs, a cat, six ducks and nine chickens that I tell politely that I'll be in touch. In fact 'thanks for your reply - I'm creating a short list. I'll be in touch' becomes the standard reply to the ones that don't make any list, let alone the short one. Like the woman with five kids, including a 22 year old 'who likes mowing'. It's my house, and I'll be a prejudicial as I like. I don't trust anyone who just TELLS me they like gardening. The girl into urban permaculture whose favourite bird is a yellow tailed black cockatoo vibes. The family with a rescue dog called Jax and a background in conservation vibes.

Spud does not vibe.

Especially after I check his profile, which says simply: 'Im a pain in the ass'. After a ten minute silence on his end where he thinks about what I mean, he finally comes back to me.

"Oh!' says Spud. 'Im only a pain in the ass to my mates'.

'Thanks Spud' I say. 'I'll be in touch'.