Okay so I've been avoiding the whole Christmas post thing and summing up my year - blah blah. But now I'm on the cusp of new year, I can't help but articulate a few goals for the new year. Not resolutions as much as reminders of the assertions we've made over the last few months. And of course, it's lovely to share it with the ladies of this wonderful blogging platform I'm writing on called HIVE. Want to write down your goals to share? Read this post and join in the community.
Early this morning I had a horrific dream where I woke up crying - like, pillow wet sobbing. I'd dreamt I was at work and they'd told us that in a week's time, we had to wear professional clothes. Crisp white ironed shirts, pencil skirts and collared jackets. I was so angry. It felt like an injustice. Why the short notice? Where would I get the money to buy such attire? Why couldn't I just go as me? No one seemed to care. 'It's not a big deal really', consoled a friend. But it was to me. I felt as if I was forced into a skin that wasn't mine, and if I took at stand and wore what I wanted, I'd stand out and be even more of an outsider, yet again. The feeling of frustration and anger at the injustice of this was the exact feeling I got as a kid when I was bullied, and I couldn't put a name to it.
Can you imagine my relief, listening to the rooster crow at dawn and the magpies warble, as I realised I wasn't going back to work, because I had quit?. It took me a good five minutes before I could properly breath.
It was a real struggle quitting - those who've followed my blog will know that I worried about money, security, my identity and self worth. Once I made the decision, things got a little easier. In the last few weeks, it's settled on me. I've quit, and things are going to be okay. More than okay. Because once we made that psychological decision (I say we, because my husband was instrumental in helping me do this), the sky became the limit.
I wanted J. to continue working - which he promised to do - because we don't have a lot of superannuation, or savings, and we need cash flow to pay the bills and basically survive. He was fine with this, but still I worried. Was it making him happy? I knew it wasn't, despite the brave face he was fronting to the world. Teaching wears you down. He'd give anything to go back to odd jobs and time to do projects and just enjoy life.
The other day he said he woke up and realised he might only have another twenty years left.
And I realise how much I'd awoken too. How much I'd let go of. Together we've been planning this escape to Tasmania - having this beautiful block of land with (maybe) water frontage and building the dream tiny home, with the big shed and the garden. Finding our dream place.
Yesterday a friend of a friend popped over to pick up some camp mattresses from us. He'd lived in Tassie a few years with his wife and loved it. They talk about moving there all the time. It didn't take long talking to us before he said that we seemed like the perfect people for the area we were looking - a bit alternative, creative and passionate about nature. He gave us a heap of tips that made me want to take the risk and move over immediately.
It's a long road there - we have a lot of logistics to get our heads around, but a year ago, I would never have even contemplated this move. It would seem far to risky. Now, it just seems like the only choice to truly live the life we want to live.
So this post is a new year's resolution, to hold fast to that idea. Throw out over caution like fairy dust to the warm wind, lace up my boots and step boldly into the rest of my life.
I also want to:
To all you HIVERS who have laughed, cried, sworn, rejoiced, worried and loved with me this year, to you I wish all the beauty and joy of the world in 2022. Thankyou for world building with me. Thanks for being the special, creative, amazing people that you are. Can't wait to share my adventure with you next year, and to read about yours! Take care and lots of love - see you on the other side! Oh, and I'm to invite one more woman to join in this challenge - 
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