I was sick and tired of everything...
—Super Trouper, 1980
That felt like it lately because everything seemed to become pretty tiresome to me. Supposedly I planned to finish the book I was reading yesterday, but I just felt too tired to finish it. I just did a chore that lasted half an hour and after that, I slumped back to my bed like some sleep-deprived creature. Ever since this week started everything felt like a drag to me—even my review of Kpop Demon Hunters is a testament to that. It took me almost a day and a half to finish it when usually my review-making just lasts two to four hours at max...and that really felt wrong.
Feeling this way felt like I was wasting my time doing nothing and slipping back to my old memories. I just turned twenty but it feels like I'm carrying something older than that. I felt bad feeling that way because I know there are a lot of people having more problematic moments now, but unlike me, still they choose to do something about it. And that feeling of guilt heightened when I saw the newly burned residential site near the bridge. I went to the city this afternoon to have my drug test and chest x-ray done and on my way there I somehow saw a glimpse of what it looked like to lose everything.
The trees were burned and almost all of the houses that belonged to the people who lived under the bridge were almost reduce into just their foundations. Pillars of what used to be houses stood among the pile of burned belongings and huge stacks of tin roofs were gathered near streets. Seeing those made me feel guilty because it didn't seem fair to act like I was struggling when there were people like them who were struggling more. I know we all have different kinds of struggles, but I can't imagine what will I do if I'm in their position. I know I can't act as optimistic as that old man smiling as he found something amidst their burned house.
In fact I was never truly optimistic—I tried to but I miserably and repeatedly failed. I just never understand how it is to see immediately the good things out of the bad things. Perhaps I'll only notice that there are blessings among them if I experience the ripples of those good things, but if I hadn't feel them, the I wouldn't see it. I still felt tired and kinda sick until this moment, but like them, I'll try to find motivation in everything I do. Because maybe tomorrow I can find meaning—even just a miniscule reason—to what I'm doing and about to do so, and may finding meaning in them hopefully propel me to strive further—especially now that I'm nearing the end of my academic journey.
All of the pictures that were used were taken by yours truly, ridgette while the first picture was edited in Canva.
