To distract me from my grief, I express myself creatively.
Photography has always been my go to medium to do that.
Being able to capture that feeling in a photograph reminds me that what I felt was real.
I hope in time, when I look back at these photographs,
it will no longer hurt that much when I do so.
I expressed the sadness I felt the past month from my last post.
But I intend to have this post as a sort of catching up,
to let you know I'm still here, and share what I've been doing while I was away.
I have a few unfinished drafts written here on hive ever since I joined,
it's always been on drafts, especially with what happened.
Different ideas, but just no will to complete them yet.
I feel I'm not ready yet to share about happy memories,
when my head space at the moment is nowhere near that place.
I still have plans on sharing with you my passion projects though,
to go in depth with every creative things I have learned over the years, my processes. But all I'm focusing my energy on right now, and what I think I need is time for me to slowly get back to that okay-state-of-mind.
For the past two weeks, I distracted myself.
I had completed four freelance projects, was doing house errands, and also supervising with the renovations we're having at my late grandmother's home. Most of the time, I'm busy with things needed to be done with the renovations than the freelance work I'm suppose to do.
These photographs were taken and edited today, in between our tasks of clearing the house for the carpenter to get to work of taking apart the background wall you see in these photographs, where this framed tapestry used to hang.
For someone like me who has not done any passion project
for weeks to months now,
being suddenly presented with that much space from clearing our dining area, reminded me of a busy time taking photographs at photo studios.
I'm definitely a sucker for empty spaces.
So I got compelled to do an impromptu self portrait shoot.
It's been so long since I had this urge, being able to do this was a needed breather.
I've set my camera on Manual, mounted it on a tripod and checked out the space, the angles, and how I wanted the photographs to be.
I'll be taking photographs of myself, and directing myself as well.
It wasn't that hard for I'm all too familiar with the place,
and it helped that I knew beforehand what photographs I wanted to take.
I used a borrowed Canon 550D,
with the only lens available to me here, a 40mm prime lens.
My main light source is the dim lightbulb we had from our dining area. I've let my f-stop stay at 2.8, set my ISO to 1600, with shutter speed of 1/100. I didn't really pay attention to the technicalities of my settings. All I wanted to do was shoot this morning, before these old walls breaks down.
We had this framed Last Supper tapestry ever since I was a kid.
It was always hanged at the top of our ceiling from how I remembered it, a view you will see while sharing a meal with our family. So when we cleared our walls, and I was able to touch the familiar frame, I knew I wanted to use it as props for my shoot. It accumulated dusts over the years, but I didn't mind. When I looked at it, it reminded me of the warm memories we had, of shared meals with our grandparents.
Everything's changing so fast now. In a span of weeks, I've been rethinking my life all over again. Being anxious at night; all these uncertainties.
Some days,I just want it to slow down a little.
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