I've been asked a lot about my time when I was homeless. I've also heard a lot of people's opinions on the homeless population in Salt Lake, Utah. Some people talk about how they only use the money for drugs. Others believe that some are regular people that change out of their rugged clothes at their car at the end of the night. I've always seen the homeless as individuals in one of two mentalities: Entitled or desperate. I've been considering correlations with that concept with recent experiences. Here are my thoughts, I hope you finding something of value in them.
My personal favorite way to see what mindset someone is in when they ask me for something is to offer the resource instead of the money. I'll ask if I can buy them food, or get them the bus ticket. Some will willingly take the offer and come with me to the destination where their need is. I get to have good conversation over food and hear their story, or at least ask some questions as I drive them to the bus stop. Some don't take this offer and reiterate that all they want is the money. I usually will not share with these individuals who are only in it for the cash. But some do just want to eat, or make it to an area or a relationship that makes them feel a little more at home. To have a full stomach validates the belief that you are provided for and your needs have been met. To be around your friend or family member that you love allows you to invest your time the way you want to. Some people travel a long ways and go without many meals to feel at home. Either by investing into a passion or into a location that brings peace to their lives.
I recently allowed myself to fall back into a lifestyle without consistency. I spent 2 years living with an awesome roommate where there was never a raised voice or a fight. I knew I was home when I walked in the door because all of my art, posters, and very often many of my close friends would be there. My brother even came and lived there for awhile. I had a routine that was easy, not many needs, and a lot of wants. Once I left inconsistency became the only constant reality again. Jumping from couches, sleeping outside, going from one adventure to the next. Recently I ended up in the Rainbow Gathering for 4 days. While I walked in I had multiple people come up and welcome us home. That's one of the things they do, they call their gathering home for those who come. Contemplating this concept during the 5 mile walk into camp encouraged me and gave me hope for the experiences that were to come. That lasted up to the point we made the turn and saw the camp itself.
The beginning area was filled with cars, bonfires, and negatives vibes. I immediately went on my guard and started preparing to defend against anything that might happen. My friends that I was with convinced me that it was only my perception and that I needed to be positive about the situation. I complied and we continued forward. We made it to the first fire at the welcome tent and finally sat down. Songs were being sang with a guitar, people were smiling and enjoying each other. I guess I was wrong, I guess this is a version of home that we had found. But then some individuals came over that weren't feeling too good. The extra curricular medicine that was freely being shared there had been too much for their stomachs, and they were looking very desperate to me. I brought them back to camp and started helping with their overdose. It lasted through the whole night until the sun rose. I helped everyone with their tents, and with little sleep during the 8 hours car drive, 5 mile walk, and an all night drug scare, I began making my way into the belly of the beast.
15,000 people showed up to this gathering (which was beginning to feel like a unsupervised festival of entitled children) and I had only seen the front door of the whole camp by that point. Without going into too much detail, the remaining 4 days were consistent reflections of that first night. People going far past their limits, reacting violently (either internally or externally), and others either not responding or responding negatively. Even though everyone kept saying that this was home I felt very different feelings about my surroundings. I felt like a vulnerable animal around other vulnerable animals. And I didn't feel much trust, I didn't see many people helping. I saw a lot of entitled kids partying and playing, but not many leaders willing to sacrifice for others. And the few working hard to keep everyone fed and hydrated consistently reflected a feeling of not being appreciated when I was around them and helping them. When I think of a home dynamic I think of selfless service.
When I was sick my mom would care for me regardless of any personal dysfunctions we were experiencing at that time. She would make sure that any need was met with the upmost attention to detail. When I was without direction my father would sit down and help me find practical ways to move forward with my life. When I was without friends my brothers and sisters would bring me into their games and allow me to be a valued participant. When I wasn't thinking about the next thing I wanted that I didn't have I would be more free to reflect this love back to them when they need it. But now I see many people walking away from those that love them unconditionally to find "home." I'm not sure if they are leaving home or going home through this decision, but I know that when I was their age I left, feeling I was entitled to something different. I'll give you the spoiler. I did find something different. I found the entitled tantrum ridden child inside of me that cries with fury when I didn't get my way and I found the desperate cold infant that had to accept any help when any was offered.
I learned what it was like to be alone for months, hiding out in a basement of an evicted house, trying to kill myself with drugs that I rarely was able to stomach. I learned what it was like to feel accepted when others would help me, but I was always thinking about the next thing that I didn't have. That I felt I was entitled to. What I didn't have was the time invested in those closest to me to see the value that they saw in me. If I did I would have seen the value in them and reflected their unconditional love back. But I always ran to the next thing instead of being content where I was. I always felt like if I had more adoration from more people. If I had more people showing up to my shows...or even one person show up to a show sometimes. If I had more than what I currently have I would feel content. Today I still fall into this. If I only had one sale of one song on my website. If I only had more people asking for Reiki sessions. If I only had enough money to take that class that I've wanted to take for years. If I only had more. Because if I had more, or at least something different I might finally feel like I'm home.
But I've always been home. I've always had someone show love when I needed it. Only recently have I learned how to show that love back. I'll tell you a secret. I've never felt more love then when I am able to share unconditional love with someone else. To feed someone who can't eat by themselves. To offer service when someone is desperate. Not entitled. Not feigning for glory. Not looking for adoration or praise. But appreciating those around them that are already showing it. To love those that have already shown love to you. That is my new home. And in this house there is no king, queen, master, leader, teacher, elder, priest, prophet, healer, seer, mother, father, brother, sister, niece, nephew, cousin, aunt, uncle, daughter or son that does not show their love through what they do. Love reflected through an investment of time to their service to others.
My question to myself today. Who do I serve?
Those that I'm trying to gain the love of?
Or those in my own home that have already loved me?
I love you family. :)
I am here to serve.
I am desperate,
but I am joyful.
Praying for you,
