The Connection Between Anxiety and Anger

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I've been feeling a high amount of anxiety lately.

Now, I am no stranger to these emotions. My husband has spent a lifetime living with anxiety, and developing the tools and systems he needs to manage it. We sometimes see the signs and symptoms of anxiety in our oldest daughter, and so we are also trying to teach her these tools.

But for me, personally, anxiety is fairly rare. I've learned to recognize it in others, but still have trouble acknowledging it within myself. And although I am aware of the things I can and should do to help myself through it, I've been failing to put them into practice.

For one, I'm having a hard time pinpointing the source of my anxiety. I'm sure that some of it stems from external events: the rise of white supremacists, impending environmental disasters, and the general death and destruction we can never seem to escape. I know I'm not alone in feeling this way. Public anxiety is on the rise no matter which side of the political spectrum people land on, and despite Tina Fey's advice, no amount of sheet cake will make things okay.

So yes, I'm sure that global events are playing a part. But most of my anxiety is being driven from more immediate sources. Like financial stress -- taking a six-month leave of absence from work was harder on my bank account than I thought. Or the feeling that I should have done more during my leave. Or the worry that I won't be able to do enough once I go back to work. Or keep my shit together and keep from descending into chaos.

That I won't be a good enough co-worker, spouse, parent or friend.

I can address all of these things individually, logically, and I know that they aren't as big of a deal as they seem. I know that these aren't real problems, or at least not on the scale that many people face. I know that everything in my little world will be fine (on a global scale, I'm not so sure).

But I still can't shake this overwhelming feeling and, too often, it's being expressed as anger.

Anxiety and anger

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Several years ago, a keynote speaker at a women's leadership conference explained that "anger only comes from two places: hurt and fear." That insight stuck with me, and no matter how hard I tried to think of other sources -- frustration, irritation -- they all came back to the same two emotions. Hurt and fear.

Someone says something rude to you? Hurt over being disrespected.
Road rage? Fear of being late, or lack of control, or that someone else's poor driving has put you at risk.
Angry that your children aren't listening? Fear of lack of control. Or hurt that they don't care about what you want.

Knowing this doesn't justify anger, or the violent actions often associated with it. For example, I see white supremacists as men (and women) who are terrified that they can't compete without the arbitrary advantage of skin colour. They are afraid that on their own, they don't measure up. They aren't good enough. And they're probably right.

But seeing that their anger and their actions are driven by fear doesn't make them acceptable. It only offers a glimmer of hope that maybe, someday, they will develop enough self-awareness to see the same and change their views.

However, the path to self-awareness is a long journey, even for those of us who aren't so far lost. Although I was given this great insight on anger years ago, it has taken me a long time to accept that I am not the exception. And even longer to do something about it.

I associated anger with power and control; pain and fear with weakness and vulnerability. So I thought it was okay to do things like scream at my kids because I was supposed to be the one in control. Now I realize that all I was really doing was losing control of myself.

How to deal with anger

The only way to address your anger is to address it's source. The bad news is that this is a lot harder than simply letting yourself rage. The good news is that if you find and fix the source, you'll have much better, longer lasting results.

For me, anxiety is a physical expression of my fear of losing or not having control. I feel high amounts of anxiety as a parent because, despite my best efforts, my children remain autonomous beings (as they should) who don't always behave the way I think they should.

Even though I generally thrive on change and look forward to major life events, I feel anxiety about returning to work this time around because I won't have as much control over my time.

I feel anxiety about my finances because I don't have enough control over the money coming in (zero) and the money going out (a lot), and am stuck in limbo until I’m back on the payroll.

I am anxious about world events because they seem so big, and so far out of my realm of influence.

So what do I do to deal with this?

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I focus on the things I can control, and try my best to let go of the things I can't.

I exercise (this is a great way to boost endorphins and relieve stress).
I clean and organize, which gives me a sense of control over my immediate environment.
I go outside and spend time in my garden or reconnecting with nature.
I try to live in the moment, and try not to worry about the past or the future -- both of which are out of my current control.
I focus on the positive.
I pay more attention to others than to my own thoughts, feelings and frustrations. (Steemit is a great place for this as brings together a vast number and variety of interesting individuals.)
I make time to decompress, re-centre and breathe.

What are your biggest sources of anger and/or anxiety? How do you deal with them?