I wake up today frustrated. Frustrated with the mental outlook of my older sibling. These feelings began festering years ago but yesterday might have been the proverbial straw.
First of all, my sibling never calls me unless there’s some existential crisis which happens to be his habitual norm. So when my phone rang and displayed Brother as the caller, I answered without hestitation. Before I could even get out a “hello” he goes straight into his most current, world shattering event.
Through a tone of self pity, I hear him say how our Grandparents were just “so disrespectful” to him by having a conversation with our mom, in front of him, regarding him, and not addressing him.
A little backstory: my brother has been an emotional wreck for years. When something tends to not go his way, which is everyday life for the rest of us, he completely breaks down and threatens suicide among other horrific things. I believe this is his attempt to get sympathy from those around him and manipulate them into swooping in to clean up his mess.
I attest to our childhood being difficult. Having young parents who struggled being adults, themselves, left a lot of room for error; but they loved us immensely and always kept a roof over our heads with meals in our tummy’s. For some reason, I feel as if my brother refuses to let go and move on from that point. This rejection of growth has seriously arrested his development and is causing severe emotional/physical discord.
I love my brother very much, I’m just not a fan of liking him right now. The attitude that ANYONE owes us ANYTHING is childish and immature yet is the only per view my brother will share with me. Yesterday’s conversation quickly turned into a tantrum of self sabotaging threats that I managed to silence through constant reassurance that our grandparents are only looking out for his best interest. I hung up the phone exhausted and fed up with my brother.
The guilt I have for feeling this way is heavy. Throughout the years, I’ve taken on somewhat of a motherly role, to my older brother, because when our father died, my mother was in a debilitating grief stricken state capable of consoling no one. I wanted my brother to feel supported, loved, valued and not alone in life. However, all of my effort turned out to be in vain. I can fix nothing by trying to fix everything. I readjusted my approach, set healthy boundaries, and continue to support him the best way I know how. It doesn’t seem to be enough.
I pray everyday that my brother is able to find peace within himself and learn to enjoy his life on this planet. If not for all of my hard work and fight, support from my grandparents as well as my husband, I don’t know how much of my outlook might mirror his. I am eternally grateful for all of the strength and love bestowed upon me by my King for he led my own spirit out of the dark. Thank you for that 
Tomorrow we leave for my home town to attend my Great Grandmother’s celebration of life party. (Yes, I said GREAT Grandma) I am somewhat scared of being around my brother for too long. See, I know he has the same fight in him that I have in myself and am met with disappointment every time I see him cater to his pity rather than his lion. I want to be a pillow of comfort for him but also a shot of reality. It’s time for changes to be made in order to have a different perspective. Life is work, it’s grimy, it can drain us to the depths of our soul, but it is equally mind blowing, invigorating and relentlessly magnificent. It’s time he experiences the latter. How do you help someone to see the latter?
Maybe you can relate, maybe you’ve been through a similar relationship, if so, any support is greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading and wishing all of you a life of the latter.✌️
