What if I begin now?
The next questions are:
Can I ever keep up the taxing pace?
Why do I have to keep up since it’s taxing? Or worst still can I hold out excellently even if I do?
These are the questions that litter the uncluttered corridors of my pristine mind; the mind that seems to be a positive black hole anytime I think of getting it started. I’m not sure if I’m afraid to dive. And this uncertainty is extending to an edging degree of verisimilitude which is often truncated by a quantifiable determination of mine which I cannot hold on to much longer.
In this moment, the words of William Faulkner flickers in my mind suggesting only two things I’ve always struggled with: Faith and Fear. Both of which are in varying proportion like the colours of morality- black and white. I can’t say which is more; the Fear that I might not excel or the Faith that it can only get better if I try.
“YOU CANNOT SWIM FOR NEW HORIZONS UNTIL YOU HAVE COURAGE TO LOSE SIGHT OF THE SHORE.”
Do I lack the courage to lose sight of the shore in which my feet is grounded right now or do I have no faith in reaching a new horizon without being drowned in the precarious journey?
Recently, I watched Charlie Day’s motivational video about doing what makes you great. It made sense to me. Here is a bite of what he said:
“YOU CANNOT LET A FEAR OF FAILURE, OR A FEAR OF COMPARISON, OR A FEAR OF JUDGEMENT, STOP YOU FROM DOING WHAT’S GOING TO MAKE YOU GREAT. YOU CANNOT SUCCEED WITHOUT THIS RISK OF FAILURE. YOU CANNOT HAVE A VOICE WITHOUT THE RISK OF CRITICISM, AND YOU CANNOT LOVE WITHOUT THE RISK OF LOSS. YOU MUST GO OUT AND YOU MUST TAKE THESE RISKS.”
Before I go out, I’m taking my time; saving my breathe for tough times and thinking about the risks which I must take. But then, I hope I don’t take too much time.
And in silent moments when I’m drawn out of real-life situations, I hear whispers asking me about what I am still waiting for- have you not had enough?
I can’t answer because I’m not sure of what it is- that is holding me back. I just hope it’s not the latter. I also hope this uncanny misgivings won’t rob me of the courage to eventually swim when I finally decide to end my holiday of ‘time-taking’ and take the bull by the horn.
Although I’m still skittishly taking my time; I calm myself with the words of Eric Hansen and read through the last words over and over again in a bid to shrug off the fear and courageously get ready for the run:
There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky
And you ask what if I fall?,
Oh, but my darling,
”WHAT IF YOU FLY? ”
