Source: (this is a video I just love this image)
So today,
Still a fantastic day by all accords. I felt motivated to push for new grounds at work, I am excited for rehearsals for the show I am doing.
However something feel's off, somewhat forced; I am unaware whether it is me trying to be happy in a job that bores me, or if I am just moody.
Maybe both?
The events of the last few days are still leaving me with a sense of butterflies, I keep getting flash backs. There is a look that she gave me when she kissed me that pierced my soul, I can't remember the last time I had been looked at like that; truth be told I really enjoyed it.
I find myself in a state of puppy love, which is a scary prospect for myself. Out of a shear survival practice I have been keeping my emotions reserved to protect myself from people who would get bored of me super fast.
In this case I am not sure if that me losing control of myself, or me giving over but I like it.
So considering I am a teenager again (god help us all...) I find myself counting the time out of nervous anticipation, I keep replaying events in my mind... GOD! hahaha.
So I am forced to ask the question, why do I feel so moody and displaced when I am in an amazing place?
Not really sure, I have found in the past that when I am really happy about one aspect of my life, I am miserable else where. The funny thing is that this time I am not Miserable; not even close. I am probably just really impatient, I know that things are coming and waiting is getting to me.
Which leads me to another questions, am I where I am now because I didn't give up? Because I really wanted too.
nearly twelve months ago, I took myself to the hospital in fear that if I went home I would consume the contents of every pill packed in my little apartment, and wash it down with a bottle of whiskey that was left in my fridge by a person I was seeing at the time.
But it wasn't as straight forward as that, I had just decided to take a week off from the job I had at the time, my thoughts that day where particularly flat; I had no overbearing negative thoughts, but nothing overtly positive either. My shift finished at 4pm, shortly before that (around 3:30 or so.) I seemed to zone completely out of reality, I seemed to have gone into a trance, almost like I had gone into auto pilot. My vision became blurry, the sounds around me where dull and uninteresting. for some reason I had images flash into my consciousness of where all my tablets where and how I would take them (I was going to crush them all and mix it all into my alcohol.)
My inner Monologue was repeating every negative comment that had been playing through my mind, echoed by my own voice telling me "The best thing you can do for everyone you know is to just end it."
So I was in a daze seeing these flashes, and hearing horrible things I was heading home to die; no one was waiting for me, and absolutely no one would have missed me. Even now its hard to admit that its true, but I know very well it's not.
So I have no idea how it happened, but I apparently I wondered into my GP that day on the way to the bus and I was transported via ambulance from my GP to the hospital.
I recall being in emergency having massive anxiety with a nurse talking to me telling me "It's okay, you are safe." I remember being super cold and I was shaking... I hadn't even made it home yet to do this and I was in that state.
From here there are three days of me being in the psych ward, feeling like I had been arrested (later I was to discover how accurate that really was.)
So when I reflect back on that state, and see how everything is really falling into place (For the most part, and that's a story for another day.) At the moment, I am moving into a relationship that I am really excited to explore; I am doing a new theatrical production and really feel that I have a chance of being a better human being.
But that's not to say that I haven't had to fight day and night to get where I am, I spent day and night setting myself a goal and achieving little things each day.
I guess what I am saying (badly as always.) that the old saying "The night is always darkest before dawn." Is true, from what I have found (more recently then ever) that life will only throw you a challenge that you are capable of handling, the hard thing is keep the faith and belief that it does come good.
So if you are feeling like everything is hopeless, and are really tired of trying. Believe me when I say I understand, I came very close to the point of no return, and now I am in a far better place.
Please keep the faith.
If you need to talk please don't hesitate to comment, I read all and will reply.
Rick
