I'm still just shaking my head like what the fuck did people see. But incidentally if you watched my dtube video with the actual footage of the lake my son was trying to coach me. I miss him. The best part of that video was when he said, "you did it" but my lips were blue. But that i did it. Hes my cheer leader. I need more people like that in my life. If I had people like that in my life, I think I could actually get somewhere. Its been a painful past few days. And being g stuck here doesn't help it. But it can only get worse right??? Let's see what the specialist says next week. Im not holding my breath. I just wish I had an adult like him on my side to tell these doctors. I dont have anyone like that. My mom is in Florida. My bff just keeps a roof over my head and i appreciate it i do. Im just tired and need help and when I ask for anything. Its attitude. I've lost three pounds because I'm scared to ask her for anything. Its not fair to her either ya know. I understand taking care of someone isn't easy. I just know there are people that could do it better and without making me feel so guilty for trying to live. Its like because I'm broken I'm supposed to just put up with it, stay still, shut up. For that, dead is better. Like this world is just backwards. But watch that video dude! You'll hear him say you did it. I cut out most ugly parts. I promise I make it look easier than it is. I edit. I cry, so much. Its not even funny.