When I was young I usually attend church a lot and I usually hear the saying “forgive and forget”, my Sunday school teacher would quote Ephesians 4:32 which says“Be kind and compassionate to one another, and forgive each other, just as in Christ forgave you.” However, as I grew up I thought about it and started to ask questions like is forgetting forgiveness?, does it mean that I have not forgiven someone if I could remember what they have done to me? Somehow I recall one incidence during my 100 level in the university, I had my best friend Bolu, with whom I shared all my secrets. We all did things together, we had lunch together and even had the same ribbon on our hair but one day I heard her telling another girl about something very intimate that I had told her, something very personal. Omoo I was furious because of the betrayal, I couldn't speak to her for weeks.
During Sunday Church service, my pastor was talking about forgiveness. He stated that you could not say you love God whom you have not seen yet you hate a brother who you can see, the words cut deep into me and I chose to forgive Bolu. I informed her about it, she apologized and we became friends once again but to be honest I never forgot what she did,I never shared certain stuff with her after that.That was one of my own experiences to prove that not all of us can forgive and forget.
According to my learning over the years, Forgiveness is a choice, it is a decision to forget the bitterness you feel about the person who has wronged you whereas forgetting is the act of forgetting which is not always humanly possible because just as a library books, the mind stores events the same way a book is being stored even when you have thrown it away chances are that a copy can still exist somewhere in your thoughts.
In the society that we live in, everybody have trust issues. When a business partner cheats you, you may forgive them but you would want to be more cautious next time. This is not resentment rather it is wisdom, I think you can forgive but not forget as forgetting can never be forced. The important thing is that when you remember, you do not feel the pain or the need for revenge anymore.
I heard about one of the sister who always forgive and forget the issues associated with the abusive behavior of her fiance. He had slapped her twice during courtship but she managed to assure herself to let all that go using the excuse of love covers a multitude of sins. As she got married to him the abuse got worse, he beats her almost every day till she ended up in the hospital. This was where failing to remember the offense would encompass missing out on warning signs. She should have forgot the lessons that she was supposed to acquire and always forgiving him was correct for her peace of mind but forgetting was risky. There is a reason why God has provided us with memory and that sometimes the memory is there to save people against harmful experiences repeating again.
When Joseph forgave his brothers in the bible because they sold him into slavery but he did not forget the incident, even when they met in Egypt he still referred them back to it but he did not decide not to take revenge. I have seen many people struggle with this “forgive and forget” teaching. Some people feel guilty because they still remember the wrong done to them while some people try so hard to forget that they end up pretending the hurt never happened, which only cause more emotional pain later. I believe the healthiest way to handle offenses is to forgive quickly but remember wisely. Forgiving releases the emotional poison in your heart while remembering helps you set healthy boundaries. This balance allows you to move on without making the same mistakes. When I look back at the hurts I have experienced, I see how God has used them to make me stronger and wiser, the scars remain but they no longer ache. I have learnt that true forgiveness is a decision of the heart while forgetting is sometimes just a luxury we may never have. As humans we can forgive without forgetting, however the goal is not to erase the past but to heal from it so deeply that the memory no longer controls us.
