This post is a sort of unfiltered stream of consciousness about raising children in a polyamorous environment.
I've always been of the child-free persuasion. I sometimes feel that it could be magical to have a child, to teach them, to help them grow, to see what they become. But at no point in my life was it ever more powerful than my perceived costs of raising children.
Even so, I've always said that I'd probably want to have kids if I was ever presented with the option of having children with more than two parents. The logical reasoning is easy, three parents would mean sharing the load, four parents share it even more. It's so much easier to get a night off for yourself when you have two or three more parents to share it with. Financially it would be easier to provide for the children. A child would have four role models, and can pick and choose which parent is more suitable for what need, just like I do with having more than one life partner.
Emotionally, well, I just think it would be good for the world to have more unconventional households. More people that have experienced it, have learned from their mistakes, and can teach it to the next generation. This is important to me for some reason. I don't usually feel the need to be someone that pushes an agenda, but in this instance, I do. Maybe it's just closer to my heart, as I've been ideologically poly since I could understand what a relationship is.
I'm sure there are some other examples of raising children in a poly environment in the media, but the one that struck a chord with me was Professor Marston and the Wonder Women. I don't know how much of this film really happened, and how much of it was edited to be a better story, but I really enjoyed the portrayal of their poly household. Particularly the issues they faced.
Mild spoilers ahead
This film depicts a poly family of two women and one man. The man has biological children with both women, and they are all parents to all of the children. Initially. This being over 80 years ago, this poly family has hit a couple of rough patches, and at some point the woman married to the man, basically tells the other woman she must leave.
This is basically my biggest fear with co parenting a child, that one of the biological parents will tell one of the non-biological parents to fuck off. Law is very monogamous, and every child can only have two parents, no more. In this sense, there is a significant power disparity between the biological parents and the non-biological parents.
What happens if one of the biological parents isn't in a relationship with one of the other co-parents in the poly household?
The string holding those two people together is much weaker. Even in monogamous relationships, I always dread the idea of a child being the sole reason for two people to remain close, "for the good of the child". In the poly relationship, where there wasn't ever a bond to connect the two, and the child is the sole reason for them to share anything. I don't know. Maybe it's better, since there no love that can die off?
I don't know if I want to be a biological parent, but I do know that right now, I don't want to be a co-parent if I'm not the biological father. It's just too much of a risk, and it doesn't, currently, outweigh the supposed benefits.
I hope that at some point I will learn to be ok with this. But right now, it feels like shooting myself in the foot.
Lastly, I'm really worried about being closeted. In the aforementioned film, the poly family had to make up a lie, that the second woman's husband died, and they took her in. This lie, like every other lie, eventually became undone, and was cause to great devastation. I've never been closeted. Not about my gender, not about my sexuality, not about my poly lifestyle, or the fact I'm into BDSM. It's a privilege to be able to say that, and one that I'm not willing to give up.
I don't want to hide my relationship with my children from the world, and I definitely don't want to keep it a secret from my children. Children can't keep secrets, so you can't tell your children and not tell the world.
Random thought about being non-binary and children. How do I have my children call me? Mom or Dad are both out of the question. Huh. That's going to be a tough cookie to crack.
