Erasers don’t work for most mistakes.

Hikers are just bad hitchhikers.

On the day that eyelids are classified as useless, I probably won’t even blink.

Are “zero tolerance programs” really necessary? Do “zeros” bother that many people?

I cannot tell the one from the udder, when it comes to margerine and butter.

It must have been nice to be a caveman. No one else’s shoes to fill.

I'm glad there were pirates in history ... because I really didn't want to be a clown on Halloween as a kid.

Technically, anywhere a bus stops … is a “bus stop”.

If people can break into safes, then the name “safe” isn’t a very accurate title for this device. A better name would be “Security Almost From Everyone” or S.A.F.E. for short. oh! nevermind.

Outside the ice cream shop, I saw a big crow struggling with a piece of plastic twine wrapped around its legs. I tried to help it. I threw it a pair of scissors and made a cutting motion with my fingers,

If I were omniscient, I’d know to throw a few “I guesses” into conversations so as not to sound like such a prick all of the time.

I ate a banana from the Tree of Knowledge. Afterwards I thought, “That wasn’t the Tree of Knowledge.” So I guess it must have been.

I’ve had a limp for a few days now. It’s not so bad, … it’s in my arm.

Not having opposable thumbs is hard for me to grasp.

. I dreamt ... I was falling ... while bungee jumping. I was running but not moving ... on a treadmill. I saw a unicorn ... in a book. I was flying ... in an airplane ... in economy class as usual. I bought

Paperclips are trivial and go unnoticed by most people. You can live your whole life without needing one. What do paperclips do? They hold stuff together that would otherwise just get scattered around,

I'm like a cactus, if you get too close to me I'll burn you. Oh! I'm a burning cactus! ... I thought you knew that.

I hate when people tell me what to do! I will do what I want! I don’t care what you say! Screw you Simon Says!

Someone has been doodling on my “Tabula rasa"!

Goals