Part 2: Proposal Before the Storm.
When we finally got home I was struggling to contain a panic attack with my heart racing and my stomach turning me sick. My parents managed to get up a Skype link with my Aunt and Uncle in Canada where most of my Dads side of the family live. I wasn’t able to say much to them and again it was just devastating seeing the look on loved one's faces knowing there is nothing anyone could do but cry with us.
I was totally unable to eat that night and going to bed was like going back in time to when my mother would comfort me as a child. This was the only thing that helped me get to sleep given how hopeless and afraid I felt about having a possible ticking bomb in my head.
When I woke up the next day I had a couple of seconds feeling relaxed again until the reality of the day hit me again which is a cruel pattern that kept repeating for days. My state of mind only improved when my thoughts shifted from myself to my other half who was sticking by me and giving me an incredible amount of support.
I began to just worry about how it was hurting her, what was happening to me because she had already lost her grandmother earlier in 2015 and her uncle had been diagnosed with Motor Neurons disease shortly before that. Felt guilty that I was adding to her pain by coming into her life just 6 months before this situation and I was already potentially terminal.
I knew that despite the matter of fact feeling from the meeting with the Neurosurgeons that I needed to muster up some positivity and hope that it would turn out to be the grade 2 astrocytoma instead of the cancerous grade 3. I also knew that I was more in love with her than I had ever felt which made me set a goal that I would propose to her and hopefully give her the wedding of her dreams no matter what.
I had about 2 weeks left before I would go in for surgery so I organised a date night at one of our favourite Mexican restaurants and that would be where I would pop the question. My parents dropped me off at a jewellery shop where I used up what was left of my Christmas pay to buy an engagement ring.
I was then picked up and driven to her house again. After I had greeted her at the door I gestured to her father to have a chat upstairs. My plan was to go as old school as possible and ask her father for permission before we went out. This was the only point of the engagement I felt nervous about having a great deal of respect for her parents and worrying if they would think I was damaged goods given my situation. I knew they would support me but I didn’t want to take their judgement for granted.
I started by explaining to him “I know it’s been a horrible few weeks but I’ve got a good feeling I will come through it. So I would like to ask if I may ask your daughter to marry me tonight” I then showed the engagement ring to which he replied, “Well who am I to argue, how are you going to tell her?” I then explained how I would think on my feet regarding that but I was instantly relieved that He was happy for me to ask her.
Once at the restaurant, I knew I wanted to get the meal out of the way before asking her so we could leave happy and go back home to tell both her parents. I wanted to start documenting these big life events so I had to pretend I was going to the men’s room which she was facing away from. Instead of going to the men’s room I approached a waiter and asked him if he would take a picture of me when I propose to my partner.
He excitedly accepted and I told him I would give him a sign when to come and take the photos. Once she had finished her meal I gave a wink to the waiter and again went super old school and got down on one knee and she instantly reacted by saying “Oh My God!” I pulled out the ring and asked her to marry me and she instantly started crying but just about managed a “Yes”.
When I put the ring on her finger and gave her a kiss the waiter asked us to look at the camera which was a photo that got picked up that week in the Chester Chronicle once I used my last week before surgery to get some awareness out of my situation.
Ironically I had been giving increasing donations to Cancer Research UK every time my pay went up in the 3 years before all this happened. The start of 2015 I had increased my donations in defiance of some idiot “doctor” who rang BBC radio to project his theory that “People should stop donating to cancer charities because cancer is the best way to die if you’re going to die because it gives you more time to say goodbye”.
While trying to spread awareness I rang Cancer Research UK that week to find out if there was anything I could do to get support and to help increase awareness. This was because nothing had ever been picked up all the way through my 20’s with numerous doctor appointments because I had been suffering from increasing drug-resistant anxiety. It would manifest as a combination of IBS symptoms, post nasal drip with also caused an extremely sensitive gag reflex.
This all started in 2003 where our family had gone over to Canada to visit our family that had moved over there in the early 80’s from Rugby. We had an amazing time with them but still in the bounce of my youth I would be running around everywhere having fun which backfired when I stupidly jumped down the stairs in their basement just before we were about to leave for the airport home. I believe I was going to check I had not forgotten anything down there which had been turned into my cousin’s room.
Mid-Jump down these stairs the very top of my head caught the bottom structure of the stairs above it. It was a pretty serious blow as it caused me to bleed and made me very dizzy. My second stupid move was to not tell anyone but rest on the bed until I felt able to act normal because I was scared I would be in trouble for missing our flight if I had to go to a hospital to have it checked. So I tried to hide that anything had happened when I re-joined the family upstairs.
This is just a theory in terms of causation because the area where this tumour showed up was exactly on the area my head was hit. The year after the anxiety started which got exponentially worse throughout my 20’s which caused a lot of problems for my social life and put me through hell in any relationship I would have, especially during first dates where it helps to make a good first impression.
To be continued…