I am prone to overthinking. Everyone does it sometimes. We commit ourselves to the path of an idea and chase it for hours or days. We become obsessed without realizing the idea we were consuming is now consuming us. It's hard to shake free, to step away from that alternate reality to assess whether or not it is real.
I have been hurting for months over a relationship that turned toxic. Abusive patterns were raised. I saw them and tried to disengage, and the result has been a high speed car chase Jason Bourne style. I have been nauseated, anxious, exhausted and trembling with fear for weeks. I wrote through a lot of it here, but then I shifted gears. Why? Because I was overcommitting to the fear. I was creating possibilities outside the tragedies that had already happened. It was an attempt to fortify myself and defend from future harm.
Taking risks is life-affirming. I just need to be picky about the risks
In fact, I wasn't living at all. I was on the verge of disappearing into my fear as far as my home life was concerned. So I quit. I consciously began to focus on more positive thoughts and practiced breathing to release the fear whenever it arose. My therapist has helped me work through some of the issues that are still alive for me. Good friends have heard my fears and advised when asked, and I am feeling much better day by day.
I am still writing through the fear by writing the healing process into fiction and poetry here. I have been journaling my fears extensively as a way to find their roots and either accept or dismiss them.
I am proud of myself for making positive choices. Taking care of ourselves can become an afterthought. I stopped for awhile there. But I'm getting back on track and feeling good about it. I know this journey has served to make me smarter and stronger. For a long time, I told myself I didn't deserve to be taken care of or to receive support. I was wrong. Now, I couldn't be more grateful for all the support I have received.
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