I have a very specific goal today. It is to communicate the following boundary:
No.
While this seems simple, I have actually communicated this same boundary many times over the last several weeks. It has never been heard.
I have reason to believe this time it will. That terrifies me.
Perhaps I have hedged before this and that's why the "no" was not accompanied by a numbing level of terror. I spent the morning in contemplation, thinking how I can make this word audible. I considered the scream it in their face approach, but I want to minimize pushback. That approach is also not my style.
I don't want it to feel like this.
So, honesty it is.
Dear Person,
I care for you but I can't trust you no matter how much I tell myself otherwise or make excuses for why you chose to treat me the way you did. Your actions hurt me and changed our relationship permanently. You found the destruct button and you hit it hard. I don't feel safe with you in my life. We can't be friends. I will appreciate it if you do not ask me again. I will not answer you if you do. I'm sorry if this hurts you.
Goodbye.
And then I hope I found the right exit.
I can't predict what response I will receive. I cannot afford the energy imagining the possibilities. What I can do is be as kind as possible while putting myself first. Would it surprise you to know I feel trepidation about this interaction but zero guilt?
Knowing this is what I will and should do does not make it any easier. As I have said before, knowing a person is toxic to you does not immediately undo the love you have for them. Even though this individual hurt me well beyond any pain I could imagine from a friend, I still care for them and their well-being. I wish I could be there for them, but I no longer want to be there. And I'm okay with this.
Meanwhile, I have some work to do on myself. I am not the only person who hasn't been hearing me. It is time to turn inward and reconnect with my intuition/inner wisdom/higher self. I have some fences to mend.
Many of you have broken toxic ties. Right now, I would love your wisdom. Any help, examples or support will go a long way with me today. This is a hard process. I know I can handle it, but I am still afraid.
@perspective