This August as we celebrate Buwan ng Wika in the Philippines. I'll be sharing old poems that I wrote about and for people who didn't stay, who I realized weren't supposed to stay. Writing poems specifically in Tagalog has been a beautiful escape each and every time I found myself in a moment of separation. I always say this, "I don't write poems all the time!" Because when I do I'm certainly going through difficult times. It's been three years since I wrote the last one and although I plan on writing more, I hope it won't be out of pain and fear.
Here's the first one entitled Hindi na ako takot (I'm no longer afraid) I won't be translating this to English but there's a short summary or story behind the poem in the last part of this write-up.
Dati natatakot ako
Takot ako na baka isang araw tuluyan na kitang makalimutan
Takot ako na baka sumapit ang umagang pinakahihintay at wala ka na
Kahit sa kahon ng alaalang inilaan ko para lamang sa'yo ay hindi na kita mahagilap
Takot ako na baka sa paglubong ng haring araw sa makalawa kasama kang lulubog
Ikaw at ang anino mo
At ang lahat ng mga bagay-bagay na sa'yo lamang nauugnay
Takot ako na baka hindi kana masilayang muli
Takot akong makalimutan ang perpektong larawan ng gawa-gawa mong pag-ibig
Takot ako na baka hindi ko na muling marinig ang matamis mong tinig
Ang mga huni sa musikang iyong hinihimig
Ang tila dalisay na hampas ng alon sa mga minutong kasama lang kita
Habang naglalayag sa mga di matapos tapos na listahan ng kung saan tayo pwedeng humantong
Takot ako na baka maging isa kang ordinaryong tao sa malawak kong mundo
Takot akong mahagip ka ng aking mga mata at hindi na kita makilala pa
Walang mala-diamanteng kislap
Walang tila paro-parong lumilipad sa puso
Walang malamig na hanging dumadapo
Walang pwersang tila humahatak sa akin
Walang kakaibang tibok
Walang bahid ng pagkakakilanlan
Walang parte sa kinabukasan
Wala ka
Wala
Eto na to
Hindi na ako takot
Wala ka na
Wala.
Storytime! Have you ever felt that "I know this is over but maybe it's not?" That's what I felt after my life's biggest heartbreak. I was so afraid to move on. I was scared that as I move forward with my life, with my new life without this man I thought I'll have a great future with, he'd become a stranger. He'd become a distant memory, only part of the past but never of the future. So I held unto the last pieces of his existence, a lie I thought I'd hold unto forever. I kept photos, screenshots of all our conversations since Day 1, and voice messages I played on repeat. Until one day, I was ready to let go. I was ready to live my new life without him, even his shadow.
Slowly I finally detached places, food, music and other things from him and his once-in-a-lifetime role in my life. I may remember road and sound trips, and late-night talks by the bridge. I may remember rain and thunderstorm. I may remember ramen, korean pork, ice cream, gelato, frappes, burger, tacos, pizza and a bucket of chicken, too. I could recall constellation and interior design. I remember sand, shore and cave pools. I remember smoke and beer. I remember smirks, laughter, tears and fears. I remember throwing jokes he didn't laugh at. I remember guitar, drums and microphones. I remember singing along to A Rocket to the Moon and Coldplay. I remember basketball, weight lifting, and long runs. I remember dislocation, spine injuries, hyaluronic acid. I remember politics, travel, movies, and TV shows. I remember no carbs, less sugar, and more protein. [This part is original posted in my Facebook Page, Days Like This]
I may remember all these things but they are now part of a beautiful life I chose to leave behind.
