In my last post I spoke about the importance of reaching out.
When I pressed the 'Post' button, while I was hurting, it was not my intention to reveal this to my readers.
Then again, when I read it again I cannot help but wonder at how I had missed the cry for help that was so obviously embedded. I now feel that I owe an explanation.
Well... ultimately I have not been feeling too great.
The energy that I might have otherwise allocated to smiling has been a little lacking and my energy levels in general have been low.
How low? Low enough to start dosing off in front of my computer - a short time after having taken a nap. Low enough such that the very process of breathing seems like a laboured effort. When every movement made via any of my limbs proves to be an exercise in economy.
It might be that the 'stomach flu' that I am recovering from might have something to do with all that - but there is something more.
It is not a sense of sadness as much as it is that of hopelessness.
I do wonder if it is akin to depression.
On the one hand I do desire to fall asleep - again.
On the other hand I have no desire to harm myself (still kinda immune to that).
One thing that I am increasingly aware of is that I am failing to live up to the term "Path Forger", which I coined more than a decade ago.
I feel that my works have had too little of an impact to warrant self-identification as such. At the same time I am loathe to abandon it. It helps to provide me with direction quite independent of my ability to reach any destination desired.
The chasms lie, too wide to leap across or bridge - and I sense the aura of fail lingering. And as I sense it so do others sense it.
And so in a sense I reside within a black hole of insignificance beyond which little attraction escapes, collapsing upon the self as others simply go on with their lives - being significant.
I almost feel jealous.
I think that I'll yield to that desire for sleep now.
I ask for your patience. It is my hope to get to the light at the end of this tunnel.
If you have any comments that you would like to share then I will join you down in the comments secton below.
Sincerely,
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