The depth of the tiredness that I feel is difficult to describe.
Its the kind of tiredness that snuffs me out.
Several times in the writing of these few words, my eyelids droop shut and my fingers grow heavier, and then I open them to find that I have some deleting to do. Such has become a norm.
I have succumbed to an aura of failure.
I 'am' a failure.
Many more instances of drooping off. The enter key got spammed again and again- and undone.
I don't know if there ever was much to be undone in my regards... but I feel undone.
A part of me has also given up. Stopped caring so much, I guess.
I know this because I have resorted to escapism. I have turned back the clock 20 years with the first bout of intensive gaming that I've seen in 20 years. Robocraft...
On the one hand it feels good.
However my esteem of myself is still very low.
So low that a couple of weeks ago I opted to offer to throw myself away to offer the developers of that embattled game a hand "on a pro bona and confidential basis".
No answer. Not even an acknowledgement.
You know you've hit rock bottom and how worthless you are when you cannot even give your time away for free.
So - sure... that has been going on in the miserable parody of an existence that I call my life.
I am putting it out here, not for any pity - for I am beginning to embrace the futility of it all - nor am I wanting of words of wisdom this time around - I am beyond it. Nor am I even wanting of a response. Really, I don't.
I just want this to serve as a headstone on this Steemit account. A final account of that which went wrong - or sealed the fate of it anyway.
Does this mean that I shall no longer be posting? Not exactly... but I feel that the person that I was before is dead at this point. There is no 'path forger' left here. Nor even a game designer. Both were but foolhardy dreams of the foolishness that was me (and, in truth, never appreciated by those who should have known better). If either reason is why you were following me then you may unfollow me. No point lingering around a rotting corpse.
No... my posts will likely become gaming-related as the World falls apart at the seams - and one day,I might be inclined to give teasers as to what the World chose to miss out on in its negligence of those like me. No more though - I refuse to pander to those who perversely claim that ideas are worthless. My worthless ideas I'll take to my grave.
Enough is enough.
