Miscarriages. I have had two myself. Specifically missed-miscarriages. If you don't know what that is, it is when the fetus dies but the body does not dispel it. My first miscarriage the fetus dies at 6 weeks and 3 days but I did not know till I went in for my 12 week appointment. I was going to listen to the heartbeat that was not there. Then again with the second fetus that died at 10 weeks 4 days. Again did now know till the 12 week appointment, another silent heart. That time we were able to get a ultrasound and see the heartbeat at 8w. The fetus just did not make it. Each time we had to force my body to let go.
I try to be very open about my miscarriages. If anyone asked, I would go into more detail gladly. The reason why is because after each miscarriage I had so many women tell me their story of miscarriages. One women told me that she had 6. Six deaths before she was able to finally hold that bundle of joy. She told me about each one. When each one passed away. What she believed the gender was and what she named them. She told me about one of them that was a still birth at 30 weeks and that's when she was finally diagnosed with endometriosis.
Although those women were trying and failing to make me feel better, I know that those women were really trying to let me know that I was not alone. That it has happened to them, sometimes several times. I realized with each women that opened up to me I was getting mad about the secrecy of it all. Girls are told their entire life that the one thing you can do is have a baby. You body was built for it. Its natural for you. I should not have had to feel alone in the pain. It should not have taken going through one of the worst moments in my life multiple times for people to open up about this and finding out I am not alone.
In America, schooling on pregnancy is kept to the basics. Boy and girl dance togeather, sperm swims up, meets egg, baby grows. Then, in a moment of great pain, a baby is born. There is a lot about pregnancy that is left out in lessons but that's enough for another post. My sex and pregnancy education did not even mention miscarriages. It did mention that sex outside marriage is a sin(Thanks Bible belt!). All sex and pregnancy education that I have found that gives any memtion of miscarriages is just that it is a thing. It exists. They don't go into detail of how common it is or talk about how there are different types. They don't mention how 15 percent to 20 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage and 80 percent of miscarriages occur in the first trimester. It is very possible that a women has had a miscarriage and just thought it was a late period.
When a women has a miscarriage, she will blame herself, even if just a little. She will go over everything she did before and after she found out she was pregnant. Trying to figure out if there was anything that she did wrong. Maybe she drank to much coffee in the morning. Maybe it was running that extra mile or not running that extra mile. After analyzing everything she will turn to herself. That there is something wrong with her body. After all, that's the one thing she is supposed to be able to do right?
I remember after having my second miscarriage my amazing OB/GYN held my hand looked me in the eye and told me that it was not my fault. Out of everything anyone had every said to me that helped the most. Later, as I started to realize how silent women were about this, I revisited some of the brave women who had shared with me. The women I had mention earlier that having six miscarriages before getting a bundle of joy? I got to ask that bundle of joy if her mom had ever told her about the miscarriages she had, and she said no! She had no idea about any of it, not the number of them, or the emotional and physical pain, not the names of the six babies. All I did was ask if she had known about them. Later I apologized for spilling the beans to her daughter. In the end she said thank you and that it was something she should have done earlier.
Only after my two miscarriages did my mom admit that she had had one before having my older sister and I.
There is no reason why this should not be talked about.
The fact that I had to use the word admitted should tell you something. Like they are telling long kept secrets!
I am not saying every women should be open about miscarriage. It is and can be a very painful experience, especially if it was a wanted baby that someone struggles to even conceive. I am not trying to diminish anyone's pain. I know that pain will never go away. What I am saying is that miscarriages should be talk about just like periods, pregnancy and other sexual topics that relate to women. Please do not be afraid to have this conversation, with your own daughters and mothers.
Thank you for reading!
