RE: RE: The Twenty-Third Day in the Desert
You are viewing a single comment's thread from:

RE: The Twenty-Third Day in the Desert

Words
147
Reading
1 min
Listen
Play
4y

I love it. wouldn't change any content, but there are some grammatical errors that could use fixing

since reaching the last settlement, the safe havens amongst the sands.

improper plural modification of singular "settlement" could use "one of the safe havens amongst the sands"


as she did hers

should probably say "as she did hers to him"


I was confused about this statement - for whom was it difficult?

but it was unnatural and required a fair amount of effort in its own right,

I think you might want to put "unnatural for her" to clarify


the sand covering your mouth and filling your nose,

this is the only place you use the second person "you" and it feels out of place to me. should be her


Last paragraph (love the last line) has a few sentence fragments, but it works for me as is.


Great story!!!

@owasco: I love it. wouldn't | Ecency