Dear CryptoDeaf, I'm a mainstreamed deaf, gay male, and I'm curious if you've noticed a recent uptick in the amount of people in the gay community, especially on gay dating sites, that insist upon looking for people who are either deaf or blind for dating and relationships. Have you noticed this? If so, what are your thoughts on it? The guys trying to date me I've learned are insufferable. Many others still insist I should pay for the dates because I subsist on disability rather than having to work for a living, they're like "But I have to get out and work for a living, it's hard work." What's the deal? ~DeafAndDeadInside
Hello there DeafAndDeadInside, I have noticed this and commented about it prior, just a few minutes before receiving your Twitter DM. I'm on some gay dating sites myself because it's not uncommon for coupled gay men to likewise seek friendships and community with similar individuals, hence the option of "just seeking friends".
For now it's an unfortunate trend. Some of the guys in question aren't actually seeking the deaf or blind solely for the reason I'm about to outline, but are people who've had past experience dealing with us, usually in the form of familial ties. There's a guy in my local area that wants to hang out with me and treat me to some Burger King just to sit and talk, and he knows ASL because his younger brother is deaf, so guys like him, aren't the one's we're talking about here as this dude is just someone that knows the deaf have a hard enough time in life as it is from personal experience seeing someone deaf grow up. So for him it's no different than being in a relationship with someone that doesn't know English but rather French.
The guys that are seeking us out for dates and relationships are generally speaking guys that are trying to jump on some sort of recent trend bandwagon so they can say "Oh I have a deaf boyfriend" or "I'm dating a deaf guy". They're generally the worst the dating pool has to offer because they don't realize that they're generally abusive towards us. They may not be physically abusive, but they can be emotionally and psychologically abusive. In regards to some prick telling us that we're better off with them "because I can hear hurr durr" or whatever the case may be, it's a lot like the trophy wife thing. Just to be able to claim "Hey, I'm a good person, I love this person and he's broken".
There's also been a recent trend in the gay community involving dating the disabled by these same kinds of people, and the dating of the deaf may revolve around that same reasoning. The reasons I've seen before about "why to date a disabled man" revolves around us having a stable and reliable income from incoming disability payments rather than having a job that can be flitted away by simply saying the wrong thing online or getting sick. In a way it's a lot like using us for our disability, because our disability provides us with a stable (yet below poverty level) income that's consistent while their own income can be taken away from them without notice.
I've also witnessed these kinds of people insist that we should be paying for dates and buying them things because we "don't have to work to earn our money so it's not like it's a big deal" when it actually is. Our income is a fixed amount every month whereas theirs is based upon how much they get paid vs hours work + overtime + holiday pay rates. So someone working minimum wage, but yet works 40 hours a week + 3 hours of overtime twice per month bring home more bacon than we do.
But I have to get out and work for a living, it's hard work.
That's the kind of argument that is common to receive. Yes, you do work for a living and have to keep a schedule and all that, we're aware. But these people don't realize that it's no cakewalk being disabled either. Some disabilities are severe enough where the disabled person can't bathe themselves, can't feed themselves, have to rely on others for transportation and some even have to rely on others just to be able to have some form of basic communication.
Just because someone's on disability doesn't mean that individual is over here living on easy street. Quite the contrary, many disabled would love the chance to be able to work. In fact I'd commit a genocide just to be able to have a career with actual prospects of being able to be get advancements in the company, such as promotions, increased pay, increased responsibility, etc. Unfortunately for us deaf, like you're likely already well aware, it's a huge hurdle just to get a job even with tons of jobs available, and it's next to impossible if not outright impossible for us to get promotions because we're passed over because of the deafness. We can have glowing performance reviews and be the best the company has ever had in it's entire history, and yet we'll be passed over for the less qualified because the less qualified person is hearing.
Is it a violation of the Americans with Disabilities Act? Yup. Can we sue over it? Nope sadly. Reason is because deafness is far too often seen as an "Unreasonable accommodation".
But yet, the dates will still likely insist you pay for the dates continuing on, with the exception of those few people sprinkled out there that actually do care for you as a person, rather than your disability or disability payments coming in. Guys that grew up with a deaf relative are likely to already know ASL at least in some part, will likely understand they need to get your attention before speaking and will more than likely also be offering to buy you dinner, rather than insisting you pay for it.
They're hard to find, but they're out there. The best way to weed through the guys looking to use you as some sort of virtue signal or to leech of your disability payments and get the guys that actually just want to be with you for you like they would anyone else is to see if they know any ASL and by how much. Finger spelling doesn't count because you learn that in cub scouts, and they have to personally be OK and understanding about your communication needs up front. There's a lot of guys that don't personally know ASL, but if you lip read, they're more willing to give you gentle taps to grab your attention and are fine with repeating themselves or writing things down (or typing them). There's others still that are willing to learn ASL and are willing to learn from you.
The main thing you're looking for is someone that at least understands the hassles of communication of being deaf, and understand that it's no cake walk for us either. The guys that are out for us for virtue signalling or for relying on our disability payments are generally not willing to learn ASL and don't end up thinking about our struggles with communication with the hearing.
