Caution: The following will contain sensitive material, you may not want to read further, and is related to my experiences when in darkness. You have been warned.
So I have come across a possible explanation for by which an individual may feel inclined to kill themselves, using a behavioural approach that can be applicable to game design.
In order to present argument the view of life itself is illustrated as a game, in which draws parallels to Skinner’s rat experiments. A brief overview in that when placed in a cage and given the opportunity to press a lever signalling for a food pellet, the rat is likely to repeatedly press the lever due to the dopamine influx and partial sense of satiation provided. Hence why those with depression prevalently have a lower influx of serotonin uptake across neurones comparatively to a ‘normal’ individual.
Now I realise this is to be expected as if this was the case then perhaps a determined purpose would be more depressing due to a negation of free will (which in my view is slightly an illusion). I mean what would be the point of being an automaton merely acting out a collection of subconscious frameworks?
And so comes to my search for a genuine subjective meaning or purpose to why I should live one more day. Honestly I have yet to find one, and even when I believe a threshold in which ‘finally I have found it’ (what is ‘it’ anyway) has been reached, sooner or later the realisation arrives that what I thought I wanted was not fulfilling. What I do find though is that writing these thoughts helps to condense my focus.
Another aspect of me that I despise is that I am never or rarely satisfied with any material/life milestones; always searching for something more, while not being happy. I know this is due to the fact I must have serious depression that has been persistent within me now for a few years. Linking this to the behavioural perception ‘if a reward is a long way off, motivation is low’; applied to me: if the reward (purpose/happiness??) is a long way off, motivation therefore willingness to live is low.
This leads me to the repetitive unsolved problem to my lack of meaning or purpose, turning to a lack of purpose to live at all. And every day that progresses although the grave is one step closer it never appears close enough (especially at my young age). The only hope that I maintain is in trying to find that purpose, however I don’t think I can last forever like this. Writing such articles is somewhat cathartic and extends a willingness to live a little longer.
Some of my additional foundation for suicidal ideation or attempts is when focusing on the complete immorality that appears present to the human condition: of me and apparently everyone else, engineered by broad systems of control. (i.e. slaughter of animals daily), death, destruction (always ongoing) and subtle slavery (fiat currency, a lever as mentioned earlier) enforced by governments or anybody when power persists. That this appears ingrained to the human condition (and myself probably if placed in a situation of extreme survival) almost allures me to die.
That said, as this topic has been my primary source of focus, yes I have come across some apparently obvious solutions. Such as: positive thinking/mindset, your thoughts create your own reality, existential thoughts are caused by a lack of responsibility, happiness is purely internal, the illusion of the self therefore no need to dwell on negative thoughts. However, all of this seems to not be worthwhile an explanation for what I’m feeling. I may allude later to what my individual ‘cornerstone(s)’ (i.e. personality kinda) are, as these are blocking me from feeling happy; what I find difficult is that if my cornerstone is radically altered I would lose any sense of self.
Source used: https://www.gamasutra.com/view/feature/131494/behavioral_game_design.php
