Initially my plan for the headline was something like "How not to be succeessful on Steemit!" but that sounded too much like a plan too well thought through. Or too obvious on trying to make one of those "Click on my post, I will tell you my secretly little secret because I know something!".
So screw that. Yeah I used "screw" twice within just a few sentences. A good writer should use a wide range of fancy words for the same thing. At least that's what they teach you about German language. But for today, screw you, stupid rule!
I prefer going with the flow and atm I'm an alien, stranded on a weird planet, left in awe but slowly dying, raising my three arms and one leg into the air, croaking an intense but silent "WHY!?!?"
Maybe I feel a bit like a player of the overly hyped, newly released explore-gazillion-of-planets-without-having-fun-Space-Sim "No man's sky". (Reference to a hyped game to draw attention, check!)
As I said, go with the flow: "Screw" and "alien" sounds like a headline I would definitively click on. So be it!
聽
Use pictures and stuff
Use pictures they said. Pictures are great to attract readers, they said! No, really.
My usual process of scanning the net for at least 30minutes for copyright-free, creative-common-licensed pictures with reference to the original source, that fit my text perfectly - Screw that too!
Here's a random picture. It's fun and has a bouncing penis to offend.
Sadly I had to remove the picture since it crashed my Steemit...
You can find it here:
Click if you want
聽
Write about stuff you find interesting, help people and build a community
Stumbling upon, surprisingly interesting I have to admit, posts about stale coffee earning nearly 5-figures, I thought, heck I can do that too. I put together hours of work, pictures, videos and personal information from years of travels to write a guide about Coffeeshops in Amsterdam so people don't get screwed (there's the word again) by reckless mob-run shitholes like clueless aliens (haha! You get the idea). No one cared.
I wrote a quite personal, totally heartwarming and motivational introduction of how asshole-mentality and mobbing in the banking sector lead to me losing my job and turning me into one of the poor, but good guys! I was already counting the cash coming in by all the people helping and supporting my path.
Yeah, I'm not good at heartwarming stuff, I know now. Maybe aliens wear their hearts only in their minds.
A post about "mentorship" made 5k over night, leaving dozens of people screaming and yelling for finding mentors. GOTCHA! 
Two posts later on going into detail of how to actually find a mentor, I was nearly able to buy a bottle of water in the supermarket, sitting down on a bench, smiling down on all the idiots having to work 9 to 5.
So I turned to write about supporting the cause of making Steemit to grow internationally, 聽helping to build a German-speaking community. Yeah, you guessed it. That failed too. Obviously, Germans and aliens might not be a good combination I just realized.
Stupid me. I should have known that from the movie "Iron Sky", esp. after the trailer of Part 2.
Maybe if I write about Hitler riding dinosaurs....
That's why I decided to walk the fringe road, philosophizing about love, polyamory and introduce Steemit to some of my secret mind-control techniques of hypnosis. Seems like it doesn't work on this planet since I would have made a million here by now. Should've noticed...
Imagine Superman's powers not being amplified by the earth, but reversly sucked away making him the weakest, most helpless person on this planet. No more over-the-top-spying X-ray vision! Only allowed for the gubbemint, you pervert jerk!
That's how "I" am feeling!
Promote your skills!
Dear Steemit: I also have great skills at using Meme generators.
AND, since I'm clever, I add a picture as proof and again for making that post more attractive, killing two birds with one stroke. Everyone thinks Gandalf is attractive, don't you?
Be realistic and work hard and follow instructions!
I ran into dozens of posts, telling me how to be a successful writer here in "just 5 steps", mainly by people making two cents per post, just like me. Or by mulit-millionaires with thousands of followers giving me the same useful tips I just applied to all of my post that didn't make anything at all.
Man, I even consulted ouija-boards and tarot-readers for the best time and categories to post in. So screw that all too.
Sounds like "Protestant Workethics" to keep everyone in just the next hamster-wheel anyhow. A philosophy from the dark-ages... Heck, I'm a spoiled alien with lasers and shit!!!
"Set goals!"
Watching the flickering screens in my crashed space-ship, I heard that quote from a motivating Ted-Talk-guy some time a go. He was wearing a suit. He must know. Or maybe bleeding-out slowly made me hallucinate. Who knows...
Running out of breathable air, I again yelled "Screw you!", this time targeting Death itself.
I now have a new goal. Writing posts that make ZERO cents and sense and upvotes and all that at all.
Because screw you whales and dolphins and all you other fish out there that I know are actually mammals. Because OUR supreme alien schools teach stuff that's useful even if you inferior humans will never grasp the genius that lies within the heart that only exists in our mind that got sucked away by your stupid earth-woo-woo-anti-mind-control-atmosphere you lucky cattle are not even aware of!
So, to all of you. There's one last generous advice I can give you before the quantum-plasma-destabilizer-generator ticks down to end all of existence not with a BANG! but with the whimper we deserve.
There's only ONE WAY TO ETERNAL SALVATION! (now I've even screwed with those few left reading my stuff who are into religion)
Do as I do, be honest and write about stuff you're really an expert in! And use shitloads of pictures and learn HTML-Code to turn arbitrary words bold.
Oh. And here's a picture of me infront of my spacecraft in case you jump up and down, shouting: "Pfff. Everyone could claim to be an alien on the internet. We need verification!!!"
THERE you have it!
