I was writing today... I was writing about you. Did it really have to end the way it did? I was writing and realized it ended without actually ending. It all happened one beautiful day and you stopped talking to me. I remember texting you, multiple times on different apps. I was ignored, my calls were dismissed and my existence...my existence in your life was put on fire. I still wonder up to this day, what really happened. You were so big on communications, scolding me on why and how I never communicated when I had to be, I got an ear full of it from you. And then, all of a sudden you spring up with that? With lack of communication you were so against.
Tell me, did you ever lay awake at night thinking about what happened between us? Did you ever wonder where I exactly I went or how I ended up? Knowing how and who I was? Knowing how antisocial and introverted I was? Did you feel some sort of guilt for leaving me without any word? Or did you not actually care and you laid in peace, asleep? I bet you were at peace. And I was an idiot for thinking, for getting worried, for texting consistently and multiple times, even if I got ignored, even if I got put on hold, even if the message delivered.
I still remember breaking down that one night and I really needed someone to talk to. I remember staring at out conversations, my fingers hovering over my send button, wondering if I should text you, knowing you wouldn't reply me. Not even on my worst day, you wouldn't. I needed a hug, I needed to be heard and listened to, I needed someone to hear me rant and listen to my stupid ramblings, I needed you.
Is this how it feels to lose someone you care for without actually losing them? It's not a wonderful feeling. Did you get tired of me? Bored perhaps. I was way out of your league as a friend and you chose to discard or me. You were embarrassed. Taken aback by your mediocrity to pick someone like me for a friend. Someone low, middle-class to poor in finances and the utter opposite of you. Did I disgust you so much you didn't bother to give a proper good bye? An argument would've sufficed.
I loved you. With my whole heart, I loved you and wished to see you win in everything. I loved you sincerely. I remember the random text I'd get from you whenever I woke up. I remember ranting to you about the books I read and hearing your shock and amusement at how bad the book got me. I remember the way you'd grin at me whenever I did something that amused you. I remember you coming back whenever to tell me how your day went, shitty or the opposite. I remember you asking for relationship advice from me and I'd call you a whore cause that was the third girl in just one week. And you'd just smirk and shove me off cause I was all for girl superiority.
Did I do something wrong? Please tell me. Tell me so I can make amends however I can. Tell me so I can fix this. So I can fix us. You don't have to walk away, not from my life please.
Thanks for reading;)
