The opening is the most difficult part of a post to write, because it's the most important. Some would argue that it's the title, but those people are bullshit artists trying to lure you into mediocrity. Any ape can write a clickbait title. Well, maybe not any ape, but those smart apes that do sign language and shit. Some of those sign language apes are smarter than some of my friends who drink too much, and even those idiots can rattle off a dozen words or less that'll make you wonder 'Is there more to that outrageous statement?' For example...
If that had been the title, you would have clicked on it. Don't fucking lie to me, you would have. The problem with a title like that is the you need to follow through. If you click on that title and the chopstick ain't at least a quarter of the way in by the end of the first paragraph, you'll calling BULLSHIT and hitting that 馃 button like it was an ad for discount erectile dysfunction treatment.
Titles are easy. Keeping an audience engaged this long though, that shit is hard. It takes thought, planning, skill, education, execution, iridium, fairy dust, dumb luck, AND a way with words... then if you have all that at the right time and cast a little spell (because it definitely takes a little magic), then maybe, just maybe...
They'll read this far.
That's valuable free advice right there, you should write that down.
The preceding one liner is a fine example of the difficulties with writing comedy, as opposed to performing it. I thought it would be funny, because you're obviously reading this, so it's already written down. I don't get to see if anyone laughed, though, so I'm left to wonder, 'should I work that bit a little harder, or just move on?'.
Of course, take it or leave it, it's just unsolicited advice from a weird guy who won a few awards in a funny writer contest. The rules were a lot tougher back when I started, so perhaps all I really proved is that I can follow rules better than a lot of the comedy competition, which isn't necessarily worth bragging about. It is worth noting, though, if you want to win contests.
But HOW do we do it? This title promised a PROCESS!
You should have learned by now not to trust everything you see on the internet. Besides, a title is just a title, it doesn't promise anything. It's not even the difficult part to write. You are in luck, though, because I'm one of those rare fellows that tries to deliver what was advertised.
Unfortunately, there is no one single process that will work for everyone. I could probably help you all individually improve on your own process, but not in a single post that's supposed to be funny. What I can do is talk about my process, and maybe that will help some other people out.
So, now that we've sorted out what this post will actually be about, let's get to it, shall we?
What the hell does that mean? It means when I think of something that I think is funny, I write it down. Currently, I have 8 posts in 'draft' stage, just waiting for enough laughs to publish. If I think of something that belongs with a post I've already started, it gets added to that post. If it doesn't fit anywhere, it becomes a new draft.
Why is that important?
Because those easy laughs, that just come to you in the moment, those are the good ones. I can sit in front of the paper, or the screen, and write jokes, but when I force it, it feels forced, and that's not funny. I could have said 'That's even worse than (something funny here)', but nothing's coming to me, so I'm skipping it. I could force something, like 'Those jokes fall deader than Dahmer's freezer', but it just doesn't have the zing, the zow, the MAGIC!
Funny stories are funny, but if you tell three unrelated stories just to fill up the 200 word suggested minimum, it doesn't really land with a lot of impact. Comedy is a great time to use fiction to embellish a story, to make things funnier than they actually were.
Can you give us an example?
This post started out as something about how people can be grouped into categories that are easily summed up by television characters. I couldn't think of an intro for that, so I wrote the intro you see here. It had nothing to do with anything at the time, but it set a theme, and now I've developed it into a post with the theme of creating a post. The other stuff that used to be this post (mostly about how my friends remind me of Scooby Doo characters) still exists as a separate draft, called 'A little friendly speculation'. It has about 350 words, but they don't really tell a story yet.
When you've put so much time into something (I've been working on this post for over 2 months), it's important that people actually understand what you're trying to say. I don't want to point any fingers, but some of you really need to work on your editing. I'll read through 300 words with no punctuation, but it makes my head hurt. It would make your head hurt too if you bothered to proofread that insanely long run on sentenced that oh my god went off on another whole track without so much as a period or even an extra space maybe a capital letter wouldn't hurt once in a while i mean come on an occasional capital letter should be a bare minimum
How does reading out loud help?
Well, read the paragraph above out loud... and listen to yourself. When you read things out loud, it's much easier to tell if it sounds the way you think it sounds in your head. Even better, if you have a friend willing to help out, have them read it out loud. It's a great way to catch mistakes, and to hear where your words need adjustment. Good writing, and good comedy, will have a flow to it, that leads people through the story. Making sure (as best you can) that when people read what you wrote, they hear your words as though you were speaking them, is the best way to be sure your writing will have the full impact that you intended.
Just follow these three little tips, and even YOU can get people to read THIS far!!
Well, now that you have all those pro tips at your disposal, what are you going to do with them? Are you going to win the Comedy Open Mic contest? Are you going to change the world with your words? Are you going to start a cult, and be the next messiah that leads us all to enlightment? Are you going to write a well thought out, lengthy reply, telling me that I'm full of shit?
I hope you do all of those things, my friends, and I hope you share it all here, so that I can laugh along with you!
Oh, the picture? I'm glad you asked! Writing a good post is like pulling a difficult weed: A weed (or idea) gets your attention, and you grab on to it. Sometimes it comes out easier than copping a feel at an after-party in the Cosby mansion. Sometimes you have to dig around it a little bit, to get a better grip on the whole thing. Sometimes you work it for hours and the top just breaks off, so you have to come back to it later. Sometimes, after digging and pulling and swearing and sweating, you actually get the whole thing out by the root, and then when you show off your hard work to people, they just say...
'That looked easy!'
