Hi there, Comedy Open Mic Community! Are you happy to see me? Of course not! I mean, look at that fucking face! Is it even a face, or did someone drop an Ultimate Warrior mask on one of Cher's wigs? I mean, is that supposed to be a beard, or does my chin just turn dirt into hair? And that look... it's like someone threw a Mormon in a Vietnamese POW cage.
Why is the nose pointing in a different direction than the rest of the face? Is it trying to escape? Also... 'Hey buddy, it looks like you might have accidentally left a little dirt on the ground'.
Again, is that a beard? It looks like I just threw up a bucketful of pubes.
I look like a guy who just survived a meth lab explosion.
How would you respond if you saw this guy coming at you, asking 'Do you need any help?' You could literally be on fire, and you'd still recoil and yell 'Don't come any closer!'
I can be the foreman on a job, sitting in a machine that costs over $100,000, and homeless advocates will offer me sandwiches and blankets. Police always just want me to 'Move along, pal.'
I have a pocket full of written instruction to local food banks that strangers have handed me.
What's up with that expression?
I look like a guy who found a rash on his dick, but it made his dick bigger. That's the face a serial killer makes when a runaway asks him for help. That's the face Kevin Spacey would make if you dropped him in a high school boy's locker room. That's the face of the coal miner on the crew that everyone helps out, because he's a little special.
It's a fair bet that the lock is on the outside of that door behind me.
Whenever you see a guy like that in a public building, you just assume he's there against his will.
Half of the time that I get into a work truck, people assume I'm stealing it.
If I do comedy live, I don't even have to say anything. I just stand there with that face, and people will laugh. The audience will make the jokes for me.
If I try to go to church, the people at the door say 'The soup kitchen is in the back.'
I look like a guy who has to walk everywhere.
Sometimes, people see me staring at my phone and ask, 'Sir, do you need help with that?' I get to look at them, with that face, and say...
'CAN I INTRODUCE YOU TO HIVE!!!'
As you can imagine, I don't make many new friends.
What you just read was inspired by this post from 
I had a little free time this morning, and wanted to squeeze out a little post before gardening. I thought this would be easy, and it turns out, it was!
Maybe you should try it!
