With the increasing use of social media, people have been connected more than ever. But people have been feeling more lonely as well. I noticed in myself a discomfort when it comes to talking to new people also called ‘strangers’ (this word already makes me feel uncomfortable.) I like to challenge myself at times, so I decided to make myself a goal to work towards. The goal I made up (and still didn’t reach) is the goal of talking to a girl that I don’t know, find attractive and is sitting with her friends. For me, this would be one of the most uncomfortable social situations that I can imagine. So if I can handle that, being social will never be that hard anymore.
I’m nice enough to myself that I realize you have to take it step by step. So how did I approach this? First I told myself to just start talking to strangers since this is already not the easiest thing to do. I put a goal for myself to talk to a stranger every day. Right now, I have been doing this for about 3 weeks. My confidence level has been increasing and the conversations have become more natural.
I noticed some cool things. First of all, I never saw myself as a person who would walk up to someone and just start a conversation. Now I do see myself doing it and it just changed my self-image. Second, people actually really like it if you talk to them. You just have to know how and be polite. Don’t start the conversation with a racist joke, keep those for your closest friend.
How do I push myself
There are 4 different things I do every time I go and step out of my comfort zone.
The goal needs to be reachable
I need to feel like accomplishing the goal will be worth it in some way
The goal needs to be measurable (like talking for 10 minutes is measurable)The trick is to think about each of the 3 rules just before you step out, to remind yourself why you’re doing it and what you’re doing.
My goal is to develop my social skill. I make this measurable by describing a situation that I want to be able to deal with. Then I make sub-goals (talking 10 minutes to a stranger every day) to get closer to my main goal. Until I feel comfortable to try-out my main measurement I will keep making sub-goals to get closer.
I choose the goal of increasing my social skills because I see that it’s a decreasing skill that people have. But I believe it won’t go out of use for a long time to come. This means that if I have high social skills I can have a unique selling point for companies to hire me or for people to like me. It’s just beneficial in many ways.
Imagine
This is a very important step, you need to imagine how you’re going to do it. For me, this is knowing what the first thing is that I’m going to say when I walk up to someone. And I truly image myself doing it every time just before I actually walk up to someone. I also imagine what their different responses could be to what I’m saying. Just imagine that it’s a normal person and how you can show that you’re a normal person. You don’t have to be amazing, the fact that you start talking to them is already good enough to be different.
Defining my fears
This is a technique from the stoic philosophy. First, you write out what you’re afraid of, this can be multiple things. Then you write down what you can do to prevent each thing from happening. For instance, I am often afraid that I might bother someone if I walk up to them and start talking. To prevent this from happening I make sure I have an open body language and I don’t walk up to people who seem very busy. The third step of this technique is to write down what you can do if whatever you’re afraid of, happens. How are you going to deal with it? So when people tell me that I’m bothering them or when I notice. I tell them I understand and buy myself some chocolate (yeah, you got to have a backup plan.)
Reflect
Whenever I go out of my comfort zone, a lot of things happen inside of me. But to improve I need to know what’s happening. To get out the information that I need I ask myself 3 questions afterwards:
• What do I need to improve?
• What is the minimum I’m willing to give to improve?
• What helped me to go outside of my comfort zone?
The methods you can use the way you like it. I hope it will help you get out of your comfort zone. Also, never forget to be proud of yourself once you’re done! You tried.
When do you use it?
The next time you want to change any behaviour, drink less, follow a diet, talk to more people, just anything. You fill in all the methods. And after every experience, you fill them in again. And you keep trying new ways to accomplish whatever it is that you want to accomplish.
