How the fuck... no, I don't want to know.

Yes you do. It's such a great story (so funny I laugh-cried when I reiterated the entire story to a friend). It even includes a happy ending for two people unrelated to the elevator hand crushing incident. Timing is everything.

Self-blame is still victim blaming.

Not self-blame (those days are so over for years). I knowingly allowed it to happen (complicated). There are reasons for that (also complicated).

he's currently sitting on his hands.

I'm wondering how you know where his hands are at the same time as I'm thinking I don't want to think-know where his hands are.