Another week and another phone call to keep the love flowing. It requires several calls, more often than not to make the connection. Every call is vastly different and each time during the call, there are disjointed flips all over the place Today, I failed to keep the continuity up. I missed picking up on the “disconnect” several times.
Each week, it seems to progress further into areas of the unreachable. Sometimes the constant repetition wears me down. Communication is beginning to break down and the time is very short now. I feel it inside.
POPPY GROUP II
These are photos I took of a large cluster of poppies my mother grew in front of her house. This was my first opportunity to study poppies closely. People do grow them where I live in the city. Although, I don’t think they’d be fond of a stranger snuggling up to their flowers, camera in tow, without knowing me. It’s a 50/50 chance when I ask, with potential unnecessary rudeness attached.
My mother has always been happy to let me roam wherever I want with my camera, as long as it isn’t pictures of her! She’s encouraged my creativity from the beginning and often would go far out of her way to do so.
I was absolutely entranced by the poppies and their delicate petals fluttering in the breeze. The seed pods also fascinated me. The fullness and shape of their form, pregnant with seeds was lovely to me. I was also scoping them out as subjects for my ongoing “Wounded Flower Series”: Wilting Flower and Discarded Flower.
POPPY GROUP III
While I was on the phone with my mother today (those weekly calls), I brought up the poppies she grew on the front lawn and the photos I had taken of them. She was there when I took them and I showed her the photos at the time.
Silence, while I listen to her struggle without words to recall (some slight noises). I had it in mind that this would bring back a pleasant memory for her, which was my intention. Nothing. She didn’t remember and fumbled to find words to express that. I moved on. This is how it goes. I never know how she will be from one moment to the next.
POPPY PODS
She’s suffering from dementia and has been in the hospital since February of this year when she had a fall at the care facility where she was living. Last year, I came to terms with the fact that I will never see her in person again. It’s the distance. It’s my personal situation. I had managed at the beginning of 2020 to get myself situated to make it possible to travel to where she is. Then the whole world was put on pause and this has permanently ripped away any chance of my ever seeing her again.
Since being in the hospital, I’ve noticed an immediate rapid decline in her health. I have been, for months, trying to pin down some information about her situation. There are also additional family complications besides the hospital to deal with. Lots of careful stepping needed, to say the least.
POPPY AND PODS DETAIL
The most important thing to me is to have that last bit of time with her, even if it’s only a phone call. It’s all I have left. Sometimes the calls will break me down into grief. Sometimes calls are better and we share stories, and laugh. All the while, I have to fill in missing pieces, be patient, set aside my own feelings, and be present with her.
CLOSED FLUTTER I
Today was a more difficult conversation. She forgot about me on the phone when they delivered the evening meal to her room. She gets distract easily. I wait. I call out to her a little louder, wait some more. I give it 5-10 minutes, hang up, wait at least another 10 minutes, and then call again. Also, the call was disconnected a second time today. Not sure how it happened, so I waited and called a fourth time. I spent a little more time with her. I made sure she knew that I love and value her always.
I want those to be my last words to her, “I love you”. It’s the only thing that matters. I don’t know when she will no longer recognize me. Every call could be the last one. I’ve already gone through this once before. It doesn’t get any easier the second time around with the same thing, different loved one.
I know I am not alone with this kind of experience. This is most especially true in current times. So many have suffered and are suffering from being separated from their loved ones, maybe forever.
CLOSED FLUTTER II
This post is dedicated to my mother, who has always been a primary inspiration in my life. She has assisted me in more ways than I could ever express to grow into the person I am today. I will love her and hold her close in my heart forever.
May all of you treasure those you love dearly. Hold them close in your heart with love. Make every moment matter. Change happens without notice.
POPPY WAVE
All photos taken by Nine with a Pentax digital 35mm camera and 90mm Tamron Macro lens.
