There it is. Picking up what I came for, I walk towards the front. “Hi, how are you?”, she says. I know her. I’ve seen her several times and had conversations. She’s always friendly and kind. I answer the question the same way I do for almost everyone now, for at least five years. “I’m okay”, I tell her and mirror it up and ask her, “How are you?”. From my observations, a majority of the time, people will answer with “good”, or “great” (or some similar word). She selects “good”. I’m thinking, great, let’s get my purchase paid for (a couple items) and I can be on my way.
HOW ARE YOU?
Always, there’s some moment where I’m caught off-guard. Someone says or does something unexpected. Frequently, it will be something I don’t like, or something that crosses one of my boundaries. She asks me again, “How am I?”. I pause. I respond with “okay” again. She prompts me, “You’re good, right?”. I pause again. I repeat for the third time, “I’m okay”. I’m standing there wondering why she needs me to say the word “good”, why she needs me to agree with her, and why OH why is she continuing to pressure me to do this ridiculous exchange on her terms.
I’m only mildly irritated. I’ve trained myself out of many (not all, work-in-process) habits of reactive behaviour. Instead, I wonder what’s going on for the person that they are behaving this way. At the same time, I still have to engage in conversation and a transaction, which at this point is almost over. Thankfully, since I find this sort of behaviour from others to be tiring. I’m way beyond tired as it is, with no time for much of what I consider nonsense.
OH REALLY
Obviously what’s going on has nothing to do with me. She needs to know that I’m good. What if I wasn’t? What if I told her all the things I’m dealing with in my life right now, what my reality is? Oh no, not going there. Absolutely NO, full stop. She’s a decent person and tries hard. I can see that. Still not going to say, “I’m good”, no matter what. I’d be lying if I did and that’s not something I’ve ever been fond of doing. So, I tell her yet again, “okay”, and another favourite, “it is what it is”. She says something else along the same lines; but I’m walking away now, almost to the door, and I’ve checked out of the conversation. I toss over my shoulder, “It can’t be what it isn’t” and “Have a good night!”.
Really, what am I to say in such situations? I don’t want to be hurtful to others. At the same time, a constant pushing to do something because someone else thinks I should do it so they can feel “okay”, is not something I’m okay with. I think of all the things I could impose on others in that manner, ways I used to behave before I learned how harmful it is to push people’s boundaries, and try to force them to conform to what you think.
GET LOST
Where I live, whenever most people ask you the question, “How are you?”, they aren’t asking because they want to know how you are. They expect you to answer back with certain words. All of that is an unspoken dialogue that is agreed upon with no actual discussion about it. It’s all a matter of “this is how you behave”. So conversations are often prefaced by this question, “How are you?”. Strangers, acquaintances, friends, and family all do it. It’s a way to smoothly glide into any conversation. People have no idea what else to say and if you look like you might answer honestly, you can see the panic start to flicker in their eyes.
THE POINT
They’re thinking things like…. What do I have to deal with now? How much time is this going to take? I need to get other things done. How do I move this along quickly? I know this because I’ve had those thoughts when I’ve asked someone how they are and they actually told me. I’ve had to stop with the self-centred thought trains, put it on pause, and be present. Focus on the immediate situation and find a balance. I have to take care of myself and at the same time be considerate towards others. Those are rules I have put in place for myself and that’s been for some years now.
The reason I answer the question, “How are you?” with, “I’m okay” is because of an old friend of mine. Every time anyone asks him that question that is his answer. I watched him do this for some years, including towards me. I tried to pin him down on what that means and he ignored me, LOL. At one point, I was really tired of hearing him say that. I told him that “okay” is a meaningless and generic word. What exactly does he mean by he’s “okay”? He responded, “It means that I’m not in crisis”, with a completely blank expression. I nearly died laughing. It was the best thing I’d ever heard in regards to that question. I adopted it from that point on and it’s been a good fit.
EXIT STAGE
So, tell me..................
HOW ARE YOU?
You already know.........
I’M OKAY
All photos taken by Nine with a Pentax digital 35mm camera.
