“…become master over yourself, master of your own good qualities… acquire power over your aye and no and learn to hold and withhold them in accordance with your higher aims…” Friedrich Nietzsche
This weekend took me off the beaten path again. On Friday after my typical 60+ work week, I went to a little Mexican restaurant in Toride, a small city that is about 50 minutes by train from Tokyo. The restaurant which is owned by a Japanese couple is one of those little gems in the middle of one of the most homogeneous countries you will ever visit.
My choice this weekend was the Jalapeno Quesadillas. I got the small one this time around as I had had dinner just before my weekly hour and a half Japanese class so you can imagine I was a bit full. My friend on the other hand added a Chicken Enchilada to his own Jalapeno Quesadillas.
It felt great getting back into that pre-Covid routine of studying Japanese on Friday evenings. This is not only because I had fallen back in my studies, but also because I could catch up with people I had not seen since 2020. Oh lord. I can hardly believe it is already two plus years. You can imagine that some participants have stayed away from Japanese classes. Most of those who have volunteered to teach us foreigners are elderly Japanese. Some are even in their mid-80s. We know that their demographic is particularly vulnerable to the virus so while I was a bit disappointed I do understand their position.
Japanese studies and dinner at Mosh and Tacos was not the highlight of my weekend though. The time I spent alone was way more profound and might I daresay, impacting. While alone in my tiny apartment a few questions kept rolling over and over in my head. They were where I was and where I wanted to go. And so I asked myself:
It is rather humbling to admit that one can answer only one of these in the affirmative, which is rather disappointing, this is especially as it relates to the last. Like so many I am caught up in this rat race; owned and controlled by another.
What do I do? Where do I go from here? These are questions that assaulted my overloaded brain all weekend. I have been putting in the work to become a full time writer, but the barriers are still up. Yes, I read and write voraciously and send my work out occasionally but that doesn’t seem to be enough. And while I have employed different strategies in order to achieve a break through, there is no escaping that feeling that one is missing something. To be rewarded for doing the thing one loves is the ultimate goal.
But I press on, and soon I will say sayonara to this 9 to 5 grind. If there is any joy to be found in my entanglement it is that each failure has taught me something. And in each lesson I am brought closer to achieving what it is I know I am destined to accomplish.
As has been often said, there are lessons to be learned in failure. I would like to think that I am a little wiser by now.
