TWO LESSONS CHILDREN NEED TO LEARN
How would you like your child to be known as an adult?
Controlled
Humble
Resilient
Responsible
Mature
Honest
Children will not develop these traits on their own. They need your guidance.
This article will discuss the first two of those essential lessons that you can teach your children—lessons that will prepare them for adulthood.
A mother says no as her little boy tries to pick out candy in a store
LESSON 1
The Benefits of Self-Control
WHAT IS SELF-CONTROL?
Self-control includes the ability to
delay gratification
restrain impulses
complete unpleasant tasks
put others before self
WHY IS SELF-CONTROL IMPORTANT?
Children who have greater self-control can resist temptation, even if the temptation promises short-term rewards. In contrast, children with less self-control may be more likely to
One study found that children with greater self-control were less likely, as adults, to have health issues, financial stress, and problems with the law. That study led Professor Angela Duckworth of the University of Pennsylvania to conclude: “There may be no such thing as ‘too much’ self-control.”
HOW TO TEACH SELF-CONTROL
Learn to say no and mean it.
KEY THOUGHT “Let your word ‘Yes’ mean yes, your ‘No,’ no.”
Young children might test a parent’s resolve by throwing a tantrum—perhaps even in public. If the parent gives in, the child learns that tantrums are an effective way to get a no changed to a yes.
On the other hand, if the parent says no and means it, the child learns a basic fact of life—that we cannot always get what we want. “Ironically, people who learn that lesson seem to be the most fulfilled,” writes Dr. David Walsh. “We’re not doing our kids any favors when we teach them that the world will always serve up whatever they want on a silver platter.”
Saying no to your child now will help him to say no to himself later in life—for example, if he is tempted to take drugs, have premarital sex, or engage in other harmful practices.
Help your children to understand consequences, both good and bad.
KEY THOUGHT: “Whatever a person is sowing, this he will also reap.”
Your child needs to understand that actions have consequences and that a lack of self-control will therefore have undesirable results. For example, if your son typically loses his temper when he gets upset, others may tend to avoid him. On the other hand, if he develops the ability to restrain himself when provoked—or to wait patiently rather than interrupt—people will be drawn to him. Help your child understand that he is more likely to have good outcomes when he practices self-restraint.
Teach your child to prioritize.
KEY THOUGHT: “Make sure of the more important things.”
Self-control is not just a matter of holding back from doing wrong; it includes doing what is necessary, even when this is not particularly exciting or fun. It is important for your child to learn how to establish priorities and stick to them. Have your child do the important things first. For example, he should put homework before recreation.
Be a good role model.
Proverb: “I set the pattern for you, that just as I did to you, you should also do.”
Your child will see how you respond to unpleasant or frustrating situations. Demonstrate by your example that self-control leads to better outcomes. For example, when your child tests your patience, do you react with anger or do you remain calm?
TRAIN NOW
Saying no to your child now will help him to say no to himself later in life—for example, if he is tempted to take drugs or to engage in other harmful practices
A boy puts trash in a bin
LESSON 2
How to Be Humble
WHAT IS HUMILITY?
Humble people are respectful. They do not behave arrogantly, nor do they expect others to treat them as special. Rather, a person with humility takes genuine interest in others and is willing to learn from them.
Sometimes humility is misjudged as a weakness. In reality, it is a strength that helps people recognize their faults and acknowledge their limitations.
WHY IS HUMILITY IMPORTANT?
Humility benefits relationships. “Overall, humble people are more connected to others,” says the book The Narcissism Epidemic. It adds that such people find it “easier to relate to other people and the wider world.”
Humility benefits your child’s future. Learning to be humble will help your child both now and later in life—for example, when seeking employment. “The young person with bloated self-esteem, unaware of her own deficiencies, is unlikely to do well in the job interview,” writes Dr. Leonard Sax. “But the young person who is genuinely interested in what the recruiter has to say is more likely to get the job.”
HOW TO TEACH HUMILITY
Encourage a balanced view of self.
KEY PRINCIPLE: “If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he is deceiving himself.”
Avoid misleading maxims. Sayings like “All your dreams can come true” and “You can be anything that you want to be” might sound inspiring, but they often do not prove true in real life. Your children will likely be more successful if they have reasonable goals and work hard to achieve them.
Praise specific actions. Simply telling a child that he or she is “awesome” does not encourage humility. Be specific.
Limit your child’s use of social media. Often, social media is linked with self-promotion—broadcasting a person’s talents and accomplishments—the very opposite of humility.
Encourage your child to apologize quickly. Help your child to see where he is wrong and to acknowledge it.
Promote gratitude.
PRINCIPLE: “Show yourselves thankful.” says an ancient Proverb
Gratitude for creation. Children should appreciate nature and how much we depend on it for survival. We need air to breathe, water to drink, and food to eat. Use these examples to instill appreciation, awe, and gratitude for the wonders of the natural world.
Gratitude for people. Remind your child that everyone is superior to him in one way or another and that instead of being jealous of others’ skills and abilities, he can learn from them.
Expressing gratitude. Teach your children to say “thank you,” not just with words but with genuine appreciation. A grateful spirit has been called a building block of humility.
Teach your children that there is value in serving others.
Expect your child to do chores. Exempting your child from family chores might give him the message, ‘You are too important to do this!’ Family duties should come first, and playing second. Point out how chores benefit others and how others will appreciate and respect him for doing them.
Emphasize that serving others is a privilege. Doing so is a primary way to develop maturity. Therefore, encourage your child to identify those in need. Discuss with him what he can do to help them. Commend and support your child as he serves others.