Once upon a period (I wouldn't like to describe it as Time because that's a human term) Anyways once upon something
I was a protein...
Going about my business you know, doing what proteins do. I had a steady job at a factory called the Cell Nice coworkers and stuff My life was pretty perfect. I didn't have bills to pay, or worry about a pandemic or Netflix subscriptions, or consciously binding myself to another being that I have to wake up to every other morning of my life.
Back to me, yes! Things were great. But as every story goes, There's a sadistic twist. One day my boss says to me Hey protein! You've been doing great here at the factory and you've been so helpful and he went on and on about all the things that I already knew about myself, all the while I was having a mini cardiac arrest and all my systems were shutting down... Good thing I didn't have a system at that time! And so my boss says, today you've been given a really special duty.
You and a team of your best co workers have been selected to represent our unit At the Grand Zygote Derby and we were to travel to a city known as the Penis!
My protein heart sank (Sorry Mr heart, just a descriptive term) I had heard horrible tales of how those that went 8:37 PM there never came back
They were distributed into small groups. Everyone in the group had to contribute to building a Zygote ship sort of... And because of the harsh conditions many proteins died and only one protein out of each crew usually survived. (Usually the meanest most blood thirty proteins in all of the numerous systems.) Each survivor would be eligible to enter the contest...an Extra systemic race where they had travel across deadly terrains, undergo ontold hardship and try not to be killed by the other contestants and finally merge with a firey ball that possessed great energy. And as if it couldn't get any worse, the passage way to the Egg as I would later learn it is called only opened once and only one spaceship would usually make it through...... (Although my grandma said they'd been a time when she'd heard that more than four Zygote ships bravely maneuvered their way through, "Most Heroic thing ever" she'd said) No one knew what became of those that reached the egg. They just dropped off the surface of the system and that was it.
And so as I packed my equipments, not allowed to bid farewell to my family and walked towards the blood station I had a sinking feeling that I was doomed. I was not brave or strong... hell! I never even made it to work first in my own lifespan. This was suicide I said to myself
Fast-forward to the derby... All my co workers had died of course, of exhaustion or a bunch of other complications. And like in all stories, I the main character miraculously managed to enter the derby. This wasn't so bad I said to myself... All I have to do was make it to the entrance of the egg early and who knows maybe after my zygote ship had merged with the Egg I'd meet a bunch of nice proteins and I'll be promoted to a higher station like the Brain! My Grandma would be so proud.
And so with what little courage I had left I prepped my ship and off I went... Not minding the competition (except that one time when this wierdo almost tore me in half with a promachete.) Life was good I said to myself, I was almost at the door way... And then there was this ship that was unto me. Guy did everything to me and my ship... Almost turned me to cheese, injected me with a chemical that caused me to burn from the inside, zapped me with this super laser thingy that almost turned me liquid. But again Miraculously I ended up entering the passage, badly deformed but grateful and to my surprise there was the vicous beast that had tried to kill me over an over. Zygoteship at the other side of the the egg, an evil grin on his protein coated face. And before I had time to vent out my hatred we were sucked into a big empty room.. There was nothing much to do, roam around and try to avoid my evil room mate. Eat the scrapes of food and anything left behind from his feast. And with the passing days came great changes. I started to grow odd apparatuses, strange things bulging out of my body and an expansion of my whole mass until my arch nemesis and I were nose to nose. It was horrifying.
After six human months of enduring the worse kinds of beatings, and starvation I grew the courage to protest. I kicked as hard as I could at the walls of my container, I needed to be let out, I couldn't take it anymore. And next thing I know there's an opening and hands grabbing me.... Pulling me out of the nightmare. I was free!!! At least that was what I thought.
Until I saw him again! This time we were in different containers and there were tubes connected to our bodies. I couldn't escape. Then one day another set of humans picked me up... And looked at me with so much enthusiasm, I felt I had been redeemed. They took me with them.... The human who I later learned humans called my 'Mother' was even kind enough to put a large soft appendage from her body in my mouth every now and then and all my worries where soon washed down my primitive digestive tract.
I know you're expecting a happy ending, I was too... Up until I found out my evil roommate from the Derby who is now referred to as My Sister (because she has a different appendage on the lower part of her body) now lives with me. I learnt that I am related to this vileness by blood and I might have to see her for the rest of my human life. (We even have a fancy term "Twins"!)
Also I have also learnt that I will someday grow up to war and pandemics (I received a vaccine, God! That shit hurt like hell. I had a fever for a week.), and my own Netflix subscriptions bills and more bills and I'll have to be bonded to an individual who I can yell at about money and every other thing that humans do.
My life has not been easy and with every passing day it's not getting any easier. If you are on the other side reading this I tell you, don't do it! They'll portray it as Heroic, but it's damn right the worst decision you'll ever make.
I hope this documentation reaches the generations of proteins that now look at me in their history books as a hero. I am no hero,. There are no heros in this world, nobody's even special (oh except Adele, absolutely love that lady). Boring will save your life! I repeat, Boring will save your lives!!!!! Over and out.
"Hey mum, could you please check my radio I think the batteries are out again"
(Of course in baby language)
