You know, I voluntarily isolate myself due to some reasons for quite a while now and it's been hard. I wish there are someone out there who could really understand what's on my mind but there isn't.

There is. Sadly you just haven't met them.

It's not that some close people I know didn't offer help. They do but I don't think they truly get my experience and how broken I am about it. They mostly tell me all the nice things I want to hear instead actually getting me to improve myself.

I completely understand how that feels. From my early teens up until the age of 23 I was a total shut-in. I didn't leave my house for months at a time, I wasn't pursuing education or really any work. I had zero friends, no hobbies, and no direction in life. Even the thought of social interaction would reduce me to shaking and pure anxiety.

Any support I was given was the equivalent of placing a band-aid on a giant structural crack. One thing I did slowly learn was that often enough, people can act as support for you, but you're the one that ultimately has to make the moves to improve things. It certainly isn't easy, especially depending on the potential causes of those feelings.

I put on happy face and tried to stay positive. But I couldn't help to think about suicide a lot these days. Even today, when I went out to get a meal, I was about to stay longer in the middle of the road but sanity prevails. I walked home thinking how it would be problematic for others and my close family if I committed suicide. I mean prior several years, I was never this suicidal but last and this year, it was just intense. I keep convincing myself these days that things will be fine and there are other ways to deal with everything.

I'll tell you something that I haven't told anyone before: I think of suicide daily. There isn't a single day where for even a brief moment I don't think about it. Even if I walk to the store I have this impulsive feeling of just walking into the road, and sometimes I actually do it. I'll just walk, close my eyes and see what happens. A little gamble, really.

I think suicidal thoughts are something that everyone faces, but nobody wants to admit. I think it's natural to sometimes feel at an absolute low and contemplate your existence and whether continuing is worth it. Knowing that you are one day going to die can be a blessing, though. I think with enough thought you can find reasons to keep going. For me, it was another person. Now, it's because I want to make others happy. I want to create things (photography, filmmaking) to convey my thoughts and emotions and perception of the world to others, and make them feel something. If my existence can make someone else's existence more tolerable, then I'm happy.

I try to get into more productive lifestyle, trying to study again but I fall back to my bad habit since sometimes I don't have the energy to even get up from my bed. I was never this way and that is the most frustrating of all. Knowing that parts of you change not for the better but for worse.
And What's even worse to me is that no matter how many of these so called brain mood boster and shit like that, it didn't help. Meditate, exercise, whatever pseudoscience prescribed for depression, I tried it all. It's still there.

I'll end this reply with one of my favourite quotes, from a book I highly recommend: Man's Search for Himself by Rollo May.

"Success is the progressive realisation of a worthy ideal."

Basically, trying is success. Doing nothing means failing. As long as you keep trying to be better, you're succeeding. You're doing the right thing. And that's what matters. It isn't the destination, but the journey itself.

BTW, whenever I read your blog, I just sort of feel you are my twin.

See, you aren't alone.