Since I arrived in Georgia, I feel like I've been running on autopilot, and much of this was met with such a terrible sleep schedule from the night I arrived in the city, rain pouring down to seemingly no end. The cracks of thunder a welcoming to a city that as of late has no idea who it is or where it wants to be going forward. Anti-Russia graffiti and a love for Ukraine stamped on every type of building throughout the city, European flags advertised all over in its own form of strange propaganda. It seems like much of my surroundings have been missed with a generally tired notion, not quite paying attention to the things around, feeling a bit tired and spending more and more time inside. I tried to begin the act of fixing my sleeping pattern the other night, staying up the entire night and falling asleep during the day. It was a challenge to maintain that, though I have to do it to fix things at the moment. It feels like the only times I do manage to get out as of late are when the sun has already disappeared, and the weather starts to cool off a bit. Most of the chores are done at this point, either some home cleaning or getting the ingredients needed for food. I feel a bit like a vampire, and if you've seen What We Do in the Shadows, you'll know exactly what I mean: that midnight grocery shopping.
It's a bit hard to not want to just stay inside at the moment though, while the weather sure is beautiful and the light through the trees in the city is another sight entirely, it's so warm that even walking to the bus stop is an uncomfortable experience. I mentioned recently that I have been looking forward to autumn and winter with how it feels like summer has lasted almost a year for me, with winter being so brief in Armenia, and spring's introduction sort of starting around March or April.
I do feel a bit lost at the moment as it feels like so many days are passing while I'm sort of stagnating. Attempting to sleep and use alarms to wake up early seem to be failing, either the alarm doesn't go off at all with my awful phone or the amount of sleep I do get until the alarm just isn't a healthy enough amount. The times running through the city after the sun goes down are somewhat boring, not much life or subject around. Mostly empty streets and the few people walking around. The mall closes a bit early, few bars and restaurants remain open here and there. But I really feel like I've hit my limit with coffee for now. A bit tired of the taste of cappuccinos, lattes being a bit more tolerable. And black coffee almost tasting like mud with how much I've been having. It's usually a sign to take a break for me and fix things once coffee starts to lose its appeal with me, given the morning coffee tends to be one of my favourite parts of the day. But at the moment it feels more like a coping mechanism to maintain some energy; a strong smell that hits the room, and the caffeine which boosts the energy. If not doing the opposite at this point.
I have a lot of motivation to do things though. There'a life drawing group which just relaunched in the city that I'm excited to attend and hopefully meet some new creative people at. I'm looking at swimming pools which aren't massively overpriced to get some more frequent exercise in at. And my photography and videography interests are huge here where there's so much to capture and see from various perspectives.
This sort of messed up sleeping schedule used to happen frequently back in England, mostly out of neglect for it as I allowed it to get messed up with playing lots of video games or just watching things into the early hours of the morning. I definitely wasn't as active as I now am, and perhaps that's some of the reason as to why it has been more of a struggle to fix it. Less controlled as I attempt to run around still in various hours of the day, getting a bit tired and incapable of finding a schedule in the day where things are more planned and fixed. I've never really been the type of person to have a daily routine, though this is something I relatively enjoy as it has allowed for more freedom in how I got about pursuing each day, a bit spontaneous as I decide right there and then what I feel like doing. A bit more limited as of late with the heat, and also trying to be smarter with money to save up in this time where every market seems to be nosediving and with little promise. Everything feels incredibly fast these days, it's an odd feeling, especially when you're all over the place and each day transitions into the next without you ever really noticing. I think this is quite common in people though.
I can see this sometimes when I do attend cafes in the later hours of the night and see people still working at their laptops, spreadsheets open or typing away hard with such focus. Even those who are actively doing things are still vulnerable to the feeling of time rapidly fleeting. All glued to screens and hyper-focused on something that holds our attention despite the stillness of our surroundings.
With a messed up pattern comes the enjoyment of that stillness in the night. I find myself on my balcony in parts looking out in the mostly empty streets. Sometimes seeing people casually walking around at 4am. I question where they're going, what they could possibly be needing to do at such time. And it brings me back to the nights of intense insomnia where I'd also find myself roaming the peaceful streets in the middle of the night to just try to find something to do. Enjoying some of that silence as cars empty the roads, no longer the roaring of motorbikes and honking of horns. Pathways to yourself without the delivery motorbikes driving through, weaving between people. Isn't it odd how quickly all of this became the norm for us all? We somehow embraced the chaos, though it's clear some of us distance ourselves from it, whether by choice or chance. And then we find ways, brief moments, to enjoy the opposite. Even if that's a weekend retreat to the countryside. Or a night-walk to which the city belongs to you.
