I am far from good at dealing with loss. Some people manage to find decent coping mechanisms in order to remain functional, whether it is by being social and or being active and finding many physical distractions to keep the mind busy. I have never really been either of those, I am more the type of person to isolate and become idle. Unmotivated and quiet. Distant despite being present.
I am someone that takes heavy consideration of things with sentimental value, and someone that remains in a perpetual state of deep thought regardless of the time of day or the surroundings. I would never say these are two negative aspects of what makes me, well, me. But I am aware that when times are rough, I really struggle to keep myself together.
Things have been different lately. A quiet house. An awareness of a shift of my own attitude and a strong degree of nihilism that has me seeing everything as pointless, without weight. Nihilism is something I have always had a strong attachment to, but in better times that nihilism is met equally with optimism: the idea that while life be without meaning, we can derive meaning from our own minds and interests. To explore and navigate through this existence in the best way possible.
In times of hardships, the optimism goes entirely. Recently, I look up at the night sky and see little dots of light. I realise the many years, of which I can't actually comprehend, that it has taken for that light to reach my view. Where I am aware that certain little dots of light may not even exist anymore. Just ghosts in the sky that came out in the darkness to remind us of what was once there. I consider the fact that some of those tiny dots of light are billions of years of age, sitting there.
We're no different, in reality. That dot of light being a massive star, me being a microscopic in comparison. But ultimately the same: creations of the universe, whether accidental or not, I can't say. But it puts things into perspective. It is hard to know what the point of everything is when nothing really does matter. But it's also easy to use that in a comforting way, to stop caring about the things that don't matter. To understand that basically everything in life is out of your control. You're really just going along for the ride, no matter how you may attempt to frame it with delusions of freedom and power.
I don't really have any plans from here on. I have no idea where I may end up or where I may be in a few months once this has passed. But I know that I don't really care at this point. Our brains are hardwired to believe in constant growth and survival, but I guess I'm really just content right now utilising methods of escapism. Lately, of which, has just been Red Dead Redemption 2. I don't really play games anymore, but this has been helping. A fun distraction that takes me out of this world and into another. Even if most of what I do is just explore and take advantage of the photography mode.
I think we're all too caught up in the things that don't matter in life. We don't really notice that most of our actions are just thoughts and instincts being manipulated by others to consume and pursue things that don't actually mean anything to us -- we're just made to believe they do. I fall victim to this often as well, as it's pretty much impossible not to in this society. But I think it's good to sometimes stop caring and realise that not being productive, being miserable, and just not really caring can be good. Liberating, almost. To realise how fake much of the world is and not give it your attention. Sometimes, just getting by is enough.
I also wanted to thank everyone that followed me and curated my last post. All those comments were really nice to see, but did become really hard to read. Myah was a great portion of my own life, and a friend that gave me a lot of direction and responsibility by being around. I don't know, it's just very weird to no longer have that.
The payout for that post ended up being $87, which is about £73. I'll be adding to it to make it reach £100 for the donation I make, to which then I'll create a different post when it's made. I don't even know what this post is or what I had in mind, so I'll probably just end it here. Again, thanks for the support. I do appreciate it, even if I do get distant.
