I have perfect Spanish and French without a neutral accent.

I do business in several Latin American countries.

One day I decided to know the Ecuadorian jungle and I was kidnapped.

The most costly thing was paying to not get on the tv news.

Somewhere in the Ecuadorian jungle ...

Kidnapper: You're going to die ... dog ...

Me: Ok, I'm going to die, but I'm not a dog.

Kidnapper: What? Emm ... I mean you're going to die, period. Do not contradict me idiot!

Me: Well, it was you who took my gag off (I feel a certain irony now about "dog"), so I assumed you wanted me to talk ...

Kidnapper: Shut up! I took off your gag to ask you where you hid the safe, asshole!

Me: Well, you would have started over there man and not with dog tags. Well, go ahead, ask me ...

Kidnapper: What do you ask?

Me: Ask me where the safe is.

Kidnapper: But what the fuck ...? Umm ... ok, where's the idiot safe?

I do not know.

Kidnapper: How do you not know?

Me: I do not know where the idiot safe is. In fact I think there are no smart safes ...

Kidnapper: Are you kidding me?

Me: Thanks, I do not drink. What happens is that you lack a comma or pause in your sentence. That annoys me…

Kidnapper: And does not it bother you to point my Beretta right now to your head?

Me: The truth, no more that you call me dog or that you eat the comma (yes ... pun ... sometimes it hurts ...).

Kidnapper: Do you want to die !? Do you want to test my power ... !?

Me: And do you have a relationship with a certain Ecuadorian judge? By God ... the only thing that was missing.

Kidnapper: Ha ha! You must have been the typical school clown ... Tell me where the safe is, DOG IDIOT!

Me: Wow ... we are progressing, you put a comma. Good for you. But I still see an unstoppable and compulsive species identity crisis ...

But for the rest, the truth was always very shy, quiet and half nerd. Now I'm very smart, big, and still half nerd. I can tell you about that if you want ...

Kidnapper: I do not want to know about your life, asshole! Tell me where the safe is!

Me: Which safe?

Kidnapper: Well, the safe!

Me: I have no idea, I thought we were talking about canines and grammatical issues ... I got lost ...

Kidnapper: Ahhhhhghgggggrrr! I'm going to shoot you! Speak now idiot!

I: ……………..

Kidnapper: (???) What's up? Say something!

Me: You told me to speak right now.

Kidnapper: Yes! I do not hear you saying anything!

Me: Ahh ... I'm sorry, I thought you were referring to the near future ... I do not know, something like 30 minutes or 2 hours.

Kidnapper: But what the ...? Speak now! And right now it means now!

Me: I know what it means right now. Ok, I'll talk to you in a little while ...

Kidnapper: What? Speak right now! Right now!

Me: Ahh! Sorry! I understand what happens ... It is that right now in my land does not mean at this moment, it is something more complicated ...

Kidnapper: How?

Me: Yes, I'll explain ... In Cuba we say right now, it can mean both past and future. Examples:

Hi Carlos! See you right now in your house, right?

Susana went through the school right now. We talked a lot ...

Do you get it?

Kidnapper: And how do they differentiate before then?

Me: By context, of course. If you want right now I'll explain ...

Kidnapper: Dale.(ok)

I: …………..

Kidnapper: (Shit, I fell again ...) Well right now it means: "I WILL STICK YOU A BALLOT RIGHT NOW IF YOU DO NOT ANSWER ME, IDIOTA"!

Me: Epa, do not yell at me ... It was clear to me. Thank you.

Kidnapper: Ready then! And so…?

Me: Then ... what?

Kidnapper: WHERE IS THE BOX FUERTEEEE?

Me: Ahh ... right, the safe. I dont know…

Kidnapper: AGGGHHHHHHHRRRRRR!

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Seconds later

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Kidnapper # 2: What's going on here, Roberto?

Kidnapper # 1 (Roberto): Do not say my real name, Ramón! Ahem ... Well, anyway, this idiot is filling my patience. He does not want to talk.

Me: Emm ... I'm sorry to interrupt but I'm talking. Ready, continue ... I just wanted to make it clear ...

Kidnapper # 1 (Roberto): Thank you imbecile. See, Ramón? It's driving me crazy ... can I get rid of this annoyance?

Kidnapper # 2 (Ramón): No, not yet. We need to obtain the information. But be careful, crazy, this sounds familiar ...